Am I Still A Writer?

I used to write like all the time and I used to write on these message boards for other people. Occasionally, I think about all my cool ideas I would have and now I don’t write much in regards to fiction and it concerns me immensely. Am I no longer a writer anymore? I journal less and I haven’t kept up with any of my ideas as I intended. But I can’t go back to writing on a message board. Its time had to end, it felt like I wasn’t accomplishing anything.

Sometimes I wonder if it’s because I need inspiration. I follow writers on all types of social media and it all hits me but I haven’t gone to a blank sheet to write out these ideas more thoroughly. What is it that’s stalling me?

Of course, this thought enters my brain when I am looking at psychology programs because I am seriously considering getting my master’s. My therapist prompted me to seek out a career instead of just a job doing whatever. I like working at a school, I like working with kids. I don’t like having a classroom. I do like working in small groups. Talking to kids on an emotional level, sharing stories, and taking a break from the curriculum. Ideally, I wish I could do art therapy with them or something along those lines but being a school psychologist I could ask the schools what they expect of me and see if our missions align.

As my interest was peeked and I asked the associate chair of the program my questions, she mentioned the books she wrote about neuropsychology. I thought about my book plans in the past. These novels in my head, unfinished and unwritten.

NaNoWriMo approaches and I have yet to ever finish a novel. Will I constantly be chasing these novels in my head or can I manage to get one down? If I go to school, I’ll have a lot less down time and I have loads now but I still haven’t done it. I am just scared these ideas will float away into the ether.

Can I even call myself a writer anymore?

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How Can You Be Sure?

I think that’s what bothers me about falling in love again. I was so sure the first time and it was so enveloping. It drowned me.

This time, I can be independent and I like being able to separate the us time and the time with friends or family. I want to share more with him. I want to spend all this time with him and I can see this future before us and i like it. But I get scared. Like is this it? Am I “settling”?  People say never settle but then you might miss out on something truly awesome just because you keep looking for the better scenario. More money, more abs, more flair, etc. Whatever it is people always tell me they’re looking for it’s pretty damn hard to find someone who fits all the criteria. It’s like that scene from Pride and Prejudice when Elizabeth Bennet asks who Darcy’s ideal woman is and Caroline Bingley tells it all, then Lizzie’s all well how the fuck did you expect to find a woman like that I’ve never met someone like that in my own life! Or something like that you know, I paraphrase.

There are totally those contrary voices that come in and say well you’re just being safe or you’re making shit up so that it won’t work out because you like drama. But what the fuck is wrong with safe? I don’t want to be with someone mental and unpredictable someone who could hurt me just because s/he can excite me. This guy still excites me but not in startling ways, it’s like he surprises me with his kindness and selflessness. The way he can listen and be true to himself but it doesn’t come at a cost. He surprises me because he wants to make plans and they actually come to fruition. He said let’s plan a weekend getaway. We had something booked within a week. This man speaks things and they come into existence. He is a man of action and shit, he is inspiring me to get my shit going too.

I want to be all these things but I am struggling because I also don’t want to forfeit my true self. But I also don’t want to just say this is the best version of me, I want to continually improve. I get so worried that I am the only one doubting it felt good to know I wasn’t the only one who had doubts. I just don’t want him to think I will leave him suddenly like I did before. I am looking at this from all angles because I want to make a life the real thing this time. Where I do things that I want to do and make those ideas into realities. speaking things into existence like he does.

Some parts of that will be domestic life but also I want to make sure we don’t get bored. That we still pursue our adventures and so far it feels like that is definitely on the to do list. We’re already planning a Europe trip for next summer. I don’t want things to be monotonous and routine but sometimes I like a bit of routine… fuck I am such a worrier. i stress myself out and give myself anxiety over the future and all he said was to enjoy the ride. I’ll do my damn best!