Net Worth

I have returned from my vacation. It was awesome. I had a few doubts about how to be alone again, about spending and asking myself “do I really deserve this?” I hate how that comes up when I am supposed to be enjoying myself. My mind can’t even give me a rest on a holiday break. I kept thinking I am spending too much or I shouldn’t be throwing caution to the wind. But when do I honestly get a chance to fly solo and toss everything aside. So I went for it full force. I wandered around Papago Park, I showed up to a tourist place when it was closed, I hiked cautiously over snake holes (it’s too cold for snakes I was told thank fuck), I sat and journaled, I chatted to new people and met up with an old friend. One of my favorite things I did was see the Grand Canyon.

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Ok random story, I volunteered at this camp last summer called One Step for kids with cancer/in remission and one of the campers was in my same tour van with his family! They are from Skokie. What are the odds? The van can only fit like 10-11 people max excluding the driver. Also, I am nerdy and I learned a lot about cacti and other plants local to the desert. That was my other favorite thing about Arizona, all the mountains, desert and plants. Loads of the plants are medicinal so you bet your booty I was looking that stuff up!

So I flew back home this morning at about 1am. I basically vegged out in my bed watching Tales from the Crypt reruns. I didn’t want to face reality that I am back. I have things to do. I cancelled my free dance class  (I just didn’t feel like leaving my apartment) and braided my hair since I never learned french braids… I’m practicing now. I finally got the courage to look at my finances and rang my phone carrier to demand a better plan. I get less high speed data now but no charges for going over. That allows me to save money until I switch onto my boyfriend’s plan. I cancelled my Birchbox subscription to save a few dollars. Now I check my budgets and it’s like damn. My net worth is in the negative taking into account my loans, my credit cards, etc. Well… that sucks. That part of being an adult I can do without, thank youuuuuu. This is why I’m going back to school so I can get a job that I like and finally get compensated for it then travel all over the fucking place as I please without any guilt. #goals

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Losing Battle

Yesterday I did not something I rarely do at work. I disagreed. I disagreed with another teacher and she refused to take no for an answer. She kept repeating herself in authoritative ways but I did not see her point of view. 

My students are performing their play today. They have rehearsed their socks off during school time hours. Sometimes that means they miss out on morning recess/playtime. They are 5/6 years old. There is a schedule for when each grade or year group can go out to play. Occasionally my co teacher and I have taken children up to play when it was not their “scheduled time” with no discord or concern of safety because either my coteacher or I are present to supervise in addition to the 3-4 adults already on the roof. 

Yesterday I brought my students up for 15 minutes. The kids on the roof at that time  as the 12 year olds. Other classes left and my children stayed with 1-2 other classes that were older. One teacher approached me saying it was unsafe for the older children to be up there with the “little ones” despite my presence and all of our supervision. She not so kindly asked me to move them to a very small part of the playground. I acquiesced to her request in part but two groups of my students were interested in scooters and playing soccer with the older children. I thought I will keep the ones running around over here to appease teacher #1 and let the others play in the other sections.

1. Soccer is a contact sport but 12 year olds are mature enough to know when they are being too rough 

2. These 12 year olds are too big for these particular scooters anyway so no one was using them except my students.

Well another teacher came up and demanded I put all 16 of my kids in this small space to play due to safety. I asked what safety issues? I am not concerned. In my mind there are maybe 30 kids up there and 4 adults… What safety issues? Teacher #2 said our students are too big this is their “allocated” time etc. no empathy no room for open mindedness or collaborative/cooperative efforts. I said we would use the space for 10-15 minutes max and leave. No harm or foul. She refused and again demanded (not asked)?me to move the kids. I stood my ground because this did not make sense.

I saw my class collaborating with the older students already and causing no problems whatsoever. I declined to obey her orders per se because I am an adult not a child. A third teacher came up and said well such and such kid is really rambunctious. I again stood my ground while this teacher announced she would take no responsibility should an incident occur. I said I would take FULL responsibility. By the way nothing happened we were gone in 10 minutes while I received eye rolls and death glares from teacher 1 and 2.

I went downstairs to my coteacher explained the situation and she backed me up. She saw their “safety” concerns unfounded and said she would deal with them if they contacted her. Well the teachers contacted the upper years “leader” not my teacher and I was forced to attend a meeting where I was told that my behavior was inappropriate and unprofessional about 4-5 times. Trigger words I am sure. I maintained my cool and tried not to interrupt I only interrupted once which was important for me! 

I explained my side but I was ganged up on by the leader and this teacher. I said I am allowed to disagree and that this safety issue made no sense. These kids ought to be wise enough and also exposed to other years. Also there should be flexibility. I was told I can never say no and I thought that was disturbing. She said she found no validity in my point and NO ONE would back me up. She tried to shame me and say it was so appalling to hear that this was coming from me “of all people”. That this teacher has been here 6 years (ignore the fact I have been here 3 without this kind of issue in this school) and that this was not an authority issue.
Yes it was because if it was not then she would chat my teacher instead of going to tattle and force me into a meeting where my side was not even considered. It was all from these two teachers point of view.
Regardless I did not apologize. I bit some humble pie and merely ended the conversation with “now I understand and thank you”. I left. I will not say sorry when I do not feel it and I was definitely not ok. I was furious and upset! Totally belittled and told my opinion is invalid. Later I was also disrespected by the headmistress.
I am reading another Brené Brown book and in it she said a professor told her “you cannot use shame to change someone’s behavior”. Well that is this school’s mentality. Staying here is a losing battle. If I cannot be myself and disagree with I another teacher in an understanding and emphathetic manner what am I doing here? I have a fantastic co teacher but that is not enough. I am tying myself to a sinking ship. These so-called leaders demand respect and obedience when none is deserved or earned. 
I must make this school year my last. By any means necessary. 

Temperament

One of my biggest pet peeves is the “Latina fire” or the “your Latina side came out” bit. Not all Latinas have a temper… or do they? Or is that when people steamroll us, we have a problem? Could be that none of us like to be discriminated against or pushed aside.

Today, I had that feeling when after an Open House at my work; there was free wine and beer. It was expected that we would consume this within the walls of the school (but it’s late and we’re tired) so many people took off or some stuck around for one drink.

Two teachers asked if they could take wine bottles home, they took home three. I wanted to take wine home for my roommates. They always share drinks with me so I wanted to return the favor. I inquire and I get told that I can’t have any… why do two teachers get three bottles and I get none? Is it because I asked politely or is because I am only a teaching assistant? I have no idea, but it sends me in a tizzy. I loudly state that this is discrimination. I am informed I am not allowed because I have consumed a drink within the school, the other teachers didn’t have a drink– they didn’t “have time” so they received three bottles. I have a little tumbler of wine and therefore I am barred for taking a bottle or two home! How logical and fair; not it is not.

My eyes flash, I try to maintain my cool without exploding or yelling. But it’s clear, I’m perturbed and I am offered a few beer bottles in exchange but I decline. The damage is done, I exit with a fellow coworker who is also considered an assistant. She says not to take it personal, it happens often and it’s no use it letting it get to us. That’s exactly it though, it should get it to us because people who deem themselves above us do us wrong and often.

I texted out some frustrations, cooled off a little when I received the “it was interesting to see your fiery Latina side” text. Cue my eye roll. I am not always well composed but my fiery side shouldn’t be attributed to me being Latina. It should be fucking attributed to people being disrespectful and playing favorites. Some people have privileges that I am not afforded. And yes, that pisses me off. I happen to be Latina as well. It’s a coincidence not a cause and effect.