Staring At Infinity

I think this is it. This is the moment where I am officially scared shitless at the prospect of all this inevitable change. I don’t want to remain frozen in this space any longer but to look at everything I have to do is so daunting. I want a new job and then going back to school is fucking terrifying. I haven’t even visited a school yet but I am horrified at the prospect of spending more money to improve myself. I have to take one step at a time but I feel every step forward I’m just tripping and falling. Not exactly walking forward, just collapsing sideways and making it look like I moved closer to a goal.

I have been feeling so incredibly anxious and vulnerable. I feel anything can trigger me and I have this dark shadow of shame constantly following me around. This month has been exceptionally trying for me. I don’t know what it is, I just feel I am falling apart because I want to do shit right but I don’t know the right path necessarily.

All I used to want to do was write and I haven’t kept up with it. I could say it’s because inspiration is lacking but that’s no excuse really! If you are meant to do something you will do it no matter what, even if it sucks and you don’t know how to do it. I still want to write and I want to have a job where I create a safe space for others to tell their stories. I want to travel in my spare time, I want it to be that I have time to myself. These are what I need and it’s not going to happen immediately.

I just don’t know how to believe it. I don’t know how to speak it into reality. I look at people who can speak things into existence. Why can’t I?

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When It Hurts

Lately, I feel like next to nothing is going the way I like. There’s not much positive to look forward to except the looming end of the school year after this week. Love life I have halted completely because dating is not fun for me anymore. I want to put effort into relationships with friends and family who make the time for me and care for me in the way I need.

But inevitably, I fuck that up to by talking to my coworker, the one I went to NOLA with… the one that I dumped in February. Talking and hanging out, it isn’t wise when neither of us knows what to make of these feelings. I am trying to do this volunteer camp where they fucked up communicating to me that I needed to attend an orientation. Now I am given an option not as a camp counselor but running AV which I have never done audio/visual shite except take my own selfies.

The theme of this fucking year so far is that I tried and I have been failing. I don’t have room for some cheesy let’s make this happen bit. I am just so tired.  I come back from work exhausted. I am tired of people and things and places that cannot get their shit together and want me to be flexible and roll with it. I’m done being flexible, I am done being understanding and open. I am the vulnerable one and then I am left in the dust.

It hurts a lot that I try and try and it’s just epic failure. It’s kind of hard to imagine if I want to do big and great things that these small failures I can hardly handle. What about the big stuff? This shit is going to get repetitive and things are going to keep going tits up but how am I going to dig deep and keep going?

All I can manage to do right now is feel the failure and wade through it. My defenses are up and I am shutting certain things down. Dating. Shut down. Socializing during the week. Shut down. I would just like to take a break from a lot of things and soon I will have that much needed time away. Even so, things seem bleak and yes I’ve heard all the “keep going” and other junk before. I don’t want positivity now, I just need some empathy from people who get it.

Can someone tell me how to be ok?

I do not know how to be ok.

Here’s the weird part, my life is going pretty well. Nothing terrible is happening. My friends are nearby, I love them. I have my family close and everyone is doing as well as they can be… my niece and nephews are healthy bundles of love. I have a job, an apartment in a cool fucking neighborhood, it’s the holidays where I get two weeks off and the weather doesn’t suck. I am seeing someone I really like. My life is pretty unsucky right now.

But why don’t I feel ok?

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Not the marrying kind

Ok let’s get this straight, it has been approximately 92 days since my big break up with a man I was in love with for 2 years. It has been 54 days since I started a friends with benefits type situation where occasionally I cry or go through moods of disbelief that all the time, emotion, heartache must now turn to memory. Luckily this FWB guy doesn’t mind a bit of tears or confusion. It has been 43 days since I went on am impromptu trip with said guy to New Orleans where I thought I was making a huge, funny mistake. Instead, it turned into a wonderful trip where we got to know each other even better as friends and yes, other things happened.

It has been 7 days since I last saw him and we’ve been in contact since his departure for the Thanksgiving holiday. We talk about not only my previous relationship but his two previous long-term relationships. Both as dramatic and unhealthy as my own. We can talk about next to anything, which is both a relief and very necessary for me. I’m a holds-nothing-back kind of person. That’s always been me.

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A Mixture

More eyerolls from me to life. Thanks life for giving me a million things to do, a few things that make me smile and mixing them with guilt and other random sad feelings.

As usual Pushing Daisies gifs/moment sum up how I feel. Even some quotes do, one of the episodes Ned the Piemaker (Lee Pace) feels two feelings at once and he asks “why is it always a mixture?” That is the story of my life. I have lots of hopes for my life, I want to make changes and I am doing some things I wouldn’t usually do–actually helping people out and wanting to listen to people I don’t usually talk to. I stay at work late, what? I covered someone’s after school club even though I was bored out of my mind?! One day I stayed out all day and this past weekend I stayed out until 6am. I haven’t done that since my birthday party. I stayed out talking about my feelings and I wasn’t sure if I should stay out longer talking to a person. But I did. It was great.

But then I remembered that every day I do things the way I usually did before my relationship… I am taking a further step away from my ex. It made me emotional as I sat there at the bar focusing on the lyrics of a song and I recalled that the more time I spend away from my ex, the more he spends away from me… the further we are from each other. The love is there yet soon it will not be of any consequence. It’ll just be that one cataclysmic event. This relationship I invested time, love, and effort into will be that one person I was in love with and then… I won’t be in love with him anymore. And that terrifies me. How those feelings can come and then you have to stop pursuing it, the feelings are there. Eventually they fade. It’s like we were planets in the same solar system and now I was pulled into a completely different place.

It makes me feel icky when I think about it. I left my friend’s apartment at around 5am because I couldn’t sleepover with those thoughts in my head. I had a long walk to the train and I thought about how my ex could be feeling just as distant. We used to be so close and perhaps it wasn’t healthy, but to us it was what was right. Now we’re not together and he could be seeing some beautiful girls coming into his work. He could be getting hit on or taking someone home. He could be crying himself to sleep and I don’t even know anymore. The next day, I went to a brunch and I had a fun chat on the phone with my coworker. I was pretty excited as I got in my cab and then I remembered those feelings again. The guilt really gets to me because I was asked out on a date last week but I declined not because I wasn’t interested. I am just emotionally unprepared and my heart is still broken.

I also find myself drawn to a certain person that inspires me and gives me such great advice. But what am I even thinking, I have so much on my mind and I’m such an emotional wreck. I got giggly talking about an exchange and again it hit me. This is how I felt when I first started dating my ex. It just deflated everything.

People say I am doing the right thing. I am being wise (how?!) and taking my time. I am being honest and I am trying to switch up some situations. Parts of my life are exciting and then when I do get that spark, I feel a bit bad because I overanalyze. I wish I could switch my brain off for a week.

Someone help me be more like Emerson Cod:

A confession.

I talked with my new coworker/head teacher this week about blogging and how I am terrible at keeping it a routine. I am getting to know her better each day, she is so confident and knows what she likes. I used to be that way. Lately, I have been rather listless but striving for change. I was way more confident and took way more chances, now I am tend to stay in the background where it’s safe. I occasionally go out of my comfort zone but only occasionally.

So here is me going at it again to keep this up.

Also I was dumped today by my boyfriend. Before all the pity and I’m sorry this happened you, etc. This isn’t my first rodeo in the break up arena. This however is the first time someone I am in love with broke up with me cruelly and without mercy. Yes, there were petty arguments leading up to it and there has been months of stagnation… But today I was told that there was no empathy or patience left for me. That I am only confident around those I am comfortable with, on my own terms and that I’m not confident outright. I make too many demands. The list goes on.

Basically all my deficiencies in the relationships were put on blast and I didn’t fight it. No ma’am. I listened, I agreed, I said my piece and as soon as the “I have no empathy or patience for you” came out of that phone, I hung up. I cried, I sobbed. I couldn’t believe that someone I love could talk to me so hatefully and claim that my selfless acts paled in comparison to his true selflessness.

My language about my relationship on this blog has been rather vague and now I can clarify without shame or concern over hurting the man I love most. Last year, I antagonized my boyfriend physically after he used a door to crush my body accidentally. Incensed and a witness to physical abuse as a child, I lashed out by breaking his phone and in my boyfriend’s attempts to flee he grabbed liquid soap and threw the soapy substance into my eyes to blind me. He yelled, I yelled and yes it burned like a motherfucker. It didn’t end there. I really wish it did.

I hit him on his way out. I forget his words exactly, I tried to block them out but he told me something along the lines of “you want to fight?” With that he took me down to the floor, sat on me and slapped me repeatedly all over my face. He tore at my shirt and my chest was exposed. I screamed and tried to defend myself, it was fruitless. I screamed bloody murder until he placed his hands on my throat and choked me. My screams were silenced and I saw black until he stopped himself. Shocked as to what occurred, he leaned against the wall while I cried and asked “Why, why, why?” He picked me up off the floor and I tried to shove him away. He cleaned up my wounds as I cried and lamented that I became like my mother. A victim.

This night haunts me even when I think I’ve forgiven him. I know what I did was wrong. I broke his property, I slapped him, I pushed him. It wasn’t right. I didn’t make wise choices. But what he did in response wasn’t right either. He could have killed me.

I called the police. I demanded he go to anger management and counseling because promises were not enough. There have been close calls since then, where I phoned police. He broke a door, he’s thrown me into the street. It’s been a hard two years in this relationship. I have anxiety even before this relationship but opening up about my dislikes has become difficult.

He’s made lots of strides but we both tuned the world out. Him more so than me. He lost his drive. These past months have been peaceful. However, my disgruntled requests sometimes too late leave him feeling as if I demand too much. He reminded me of all he does or did. Going to jail once, paying for anger management and therapy, sending me letters, videos, flowers, when I refused to date him until I relented last summer. I found his ceaseless efforts to be that of someone who is willing to be accountable for what occurred. As I try to be as well.

For now, we go our separate ways but now I no longer have to keep this secret close to me. To protect him and to protect myself. It happened. We can’t be a couple anymore because the empathy was lost, but maybe he can forgive me over time all those demands… as I try to forgive him everyday for what happened that night.

What is courage really?

I have been super stressed and exhausted lately. All I want to do is stay at home eating macaroons and hiding under my blanket.

I had high hopes for a new job in the school I currently work with. It was one of those “put all your eggs in one basket” type of deals. I never really understood that metaphor, a lot of American colloquialisms are odd to me. But now I can see how it works because if I just bought a ton of eggs and put them all into a basket then they were smashed against the wall… I would be upset and wish I saved some eggs in the fridge or put them in an omelette to eat.

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