Anxiety Levels Rising

I filed my FAFSA. I have a trip to Phoenix with no car where everyone says I need one… I am going by myself which is both exhilarating but terrifying because I haven’t done this in awhile. I keep myself awake with thoughts of failure. Wave after wave of tension and uncertainty. I just want to breathe. I let out some tears and got a hug from Stephen this morning. I spoke to my advisor for psych school this morning felt some relief. Then I was cut from working some extra hours next week at this school camp. Makes me even more eager to leave that silly place, makes me bonkers.

I want to be safe in Phoenix and have fun. I know myself, I will end up soaking up sun and being antisocial for most of it which is what I need. I’ll probably spend too much money on transport but oh well. I need some desert heat and peace. I can’t wait to see the terrain for now though stressing has me paralyzed!

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Why hello again!

I have not written as habitually for this blog as I would have hoped but hey I am not giving up. ^_^

I had a magical time in Orlando and in Davenport where I rented a house along with my family. We had our own private pool and the place was spacious. I spent tons of time in the pool as well as visiting Disney World and Universal Studios. It was a true break from my computer and thoughts of work. I was mega relieved to finally have ten days where all I did was eat and walk around. I rode tons of rides and took pictures with princesses. I also spent time with my niece and nephew.

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I wrote a few micro stories in my journal and read two books. One of them is Dark Places by Gillian Flynn which I finished in a few days despite all the walking and exploring. Such a fantastic read, I completely recommend it especially for murder mystery fans. It was a literal page turner for me. I am back home now and keeping up my reading. I still haven’t found my motivation to get the ball rolling. I thought as soon as I returned I’d hit the ground running but it still hasn’t hit me.

I write down steps and ideas but it’s hard to put it all into motion. I still have time left of my summer break but I really do not want to return to my previous work unless I have something else going on too. We shall see.

Countdown to summer.

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I am literally aching for summer with every fiber of my being. I cannot tell you how desperate I am to go on vacation. I have not gone out of the state or country at all this school year. I cannot bother to show up to work on time, I leave early whenever possible even if it’s “taboo” for me to carry my bags while I escort the students to drop-off. I have mentally checked out for ages now and it’s mostly because I need a vacation. Not time off, not a week where I don’t go to work… a legitimate time away from where I work.

I know I am blessed to have the time off and get paid to do it, but honestly, I get paid peanuts to do a job that requires so much. If I get fired so be it. If I get verbally reprimanded so be it. I need that zen time that starts on June 30th for myself.

I need that warm weather, the goodbyes and a recharge.

I went to the zoo with my family and my boyfriend on the weekend, that small taste of summer was enough. I feel everyone deserves a paid vacation and a lot of us aren’t allowed to have it. I have it and insurance which is lucky, but here’s to holiday where I not only take care of myself but also set a goal of finding a workplace where I am valued and feel fulfilled.

30 days and counting.