Crushed

Lately, I’ve been feeling crushed. Crushed by this feeling of impending failure. This doom and gloom cloud that follows me as I get closer to the fateful start of my new life. I’m terrified, the excitement is giving way to absolute terror.

I’m already uninsured because my last workplace decided to fuck me out of my plan before my contract ended. That means no therapy sessions or meds until I hear back from Medicaid because now I am Medicare eligible. On top of that, I will probably have to say farewell to my therapist because her practice doesn’t accept Medicaid. No sertraline or lorazepam until I get my paperwork sorted so. I have enough for not even a week. I’m already losing it a bit, probably from the increased panic. I’ve fixated and obsessed a few times this week. I’ve cried feeling overwhelmed when things aren’t even¬†bad.¬†

Luckily, Stephen has been receptive and despite him displaying a lack of empathy a couple of times he always comes around. I really appreciate that about him. We had a chill movie night and he gave me lots of love and cuddles and food. I am just worried about time management. I’ll have classes, no meds, working as much as I can, and barely any time to see him. How will I make it work?

The pressure is crushing, everything feels like it’s closing in. My therapist texts me to take it one step at a time but I feel like I am falling into despair. When I have orientation for my school, I am going to bring up the Medicaid issue because I know I won’t be the only one.

Staring At Infinity

I think this is it. This is the moment where I am officially scared shitless at the prospect of all this inevitable change. I don’t want to remain frozen in this space any longer but to look at everything I have to do is so daunting. I want a new job and then going back to school is fucking terrifying. I haven’t even visited a school yet but I am horrified at the prospect of spending more money to improve myself. I have to take one step at a time but I feel every step forward I’m just tripping and falling. Not exactly walking forward, just collapsing sideways and making it look like I moved closer to a goal.

I have been feeling so incredibly anxious and vulnerable. I feel anything can trigger me and I have this dark shadow of shame constantly following me around. This month has been exceptionally trying for me. I don’t know what it is, I just feel I am falling apart because I want to do shit right but I don’t know the right path necessarily.

All I used to want to do was write and I haven’t kept up with it. I could say it’s because inspiration is lacking but that’s no excuse really! If you are meant to do something you will do it no matter what, even if it sucks and you don’t know how to do it. I still want to write and I want to have a job where I create a safe space for others to tell their stories. I want to travel in my spare time, I want it to be that I have time to myself. These are what I need and it’s not going to happen immediately.

I just don’t know how to believe it. I don’t know how to speak it into reality. I look at people who can speak things into existence. Why can’t I?