Ready for it

I am ready for the coming year, the challenges and victories and losses. I don’t know what to expect but I don’t want to hesitate. I have so much to be grateful for despite the state of this country and the violent reality of daily life. I’m still here and I want to continue rallying for what I believe is most important.


I want to nurture my creativity and drive. I want to continue even when it’s hard. I want to be relentless in my pursuit of my goals.


But I don’t want to look pretty

Yesterday, I was having one of those “everything about this society is the worst” moments. I have been a major homebody lately. There were huge ambitions for the summer and I’ve just been staying up until 3am writing fiction then waking up at noon or later. I am about to move again (yay!) and that’s exciting because a) my own room b) closer to the trains–goodbye bus and train commute and c) huge common spaces d) living with one of my kismet gal pals. But I’ve been ill prepared for moves before and this time I’m calling movers. Not packed and can’t be bothered to right now, will deal with the boxes next week when I find myself in Chinatown looking at my large windows in my room and wondering how to put my bed together again…

Last night, I was all fretting over my impending move and what it could mean when I forgot I said I’d attend a birthday party. I could have said no but my best friend offered to pay for my first two drinks. Yep. That’s really all it takes these days. I forgot to eat lunch so I bought a cheap sandwich and was on my merry way eating on a bench in heels plus full makeup. I caught a glimpse of my reflection and thought wow, that’s pretty but this is not how I feel at all. I feel super dumpy and I would rather sit on a porch drinking beers until I fall asleep. I want to go to bars on a Saturday night in leggings and a gigantic T-shirt not giving a damn buying drinks for all my friends.

These are my life goals. But I’m broke, still trying to figure out my finances when I am moving my life once again.

I was walking around Viagra Triangle in these heels because I wanted to relax before I had to be social and kind to people. I saw all these girls dressed up in sweats or dresses wearing full makeup, eyebrows filled in and hair styled perfectly. It was driving me crazy because I fell into that category as I walked through there. I might not do everything, I can’t stick to veggies and fruit but I layered on that bronzer like it mattered. I kept thinking why do we try so hard, is it for someone else because it can’t really be for ourselves all the time can it? These girls who all look the same in their crop tees and high waisted booty shorts.

Is it my age finally hitting me saying I’m so over this? I am totally over it. I don’t want to impress anyone anymore ever with solely my looks. I want to drink and dance but in a specific setting. A setting where it’s not terribly superficial.

I can’t wait for the moment where I am financially independent. I’ll be having people over and hosting. I’ll buy people drinks in my favorite bar.

I thought about texting my bestie “no”. Telling her hey I’m not feeling it tonight and go home. But I went anyway. I got a cupcake out of it.