Can’t Sleep

It seems life just gets busier and crazier. In a good way this time. It still gives me anxiety though! I am spending the night at my bestie’s house in Indiana and I can’t sleep at all. I keep thinking about my trip to Phoenix in a week and after that Ireland in spring then London in summer.

The original plan was to go to Ireland in the summer and then I would pop over to London for a wedding but after lots of discussion and arguing with my boyfriend, we finally settled on going to Ireland for Easter and he offered to cover my expenses for London. It was one week of wondering what is the right thing to do. Trip planning has never been so stressful, we would get somewhere and then we would both be stubborn. Luckily we found a resolution and I am relieved. As hard as that decision was it was a relief to argue about something real. In the past with exes it would be petty shit.

This was real trio we have been planning and we wanted us to have the most time in Ireland with his family as well as giving me a tour of the country. I could be living there one day after all!

In addition to stressing about travels, I finally submitted my application for school and within a week I found out I was accepted! It is fantastic and I am so happy but also nervous. This is a huge step for me and I am committed now. It is daunting.

Yesterday I was given news that I was offered a scholarship as well due to my high GPA in undergrad. I don’t know how much it is yet but I am going to work hard to get more scholarships and grants to finance my education. That was something I didn’t do enough of in undergrad because I didn’t research or go after it. I am definitely going to do some work study. It is kind of exhilarating to be like making amends in a way for my naive approach to financials at age 18. Now a decade later I am wise to go after every avenue to know that at least I tried!

So my mind is full of thoughts of school, my aspirations for this year, all the traveling I am doing before school starts and working extra hours to save up for that first term/semester. Perhaps not sleeping in my bed is keeping me up or a combination of that and feeling like my personal life is finally better than any dream could be.

I can’t ignore the national reality all the time but I just needed this. I have been so drained from the news, the incompotence of the current administration, the racism that is far more overt in the USA now. But my therapist said I am incredibly sensitive to emotions and it makes sense to feel the cuts deeply of our current president’s shitty choices and orders. She told me if I need to close off from it that is what I should do. And I have. I left my phone in my bag when I went for lunch and read an old magazine. I found some free books to read on my phone. I think turning off social media and getting away from the news even in that small time is exactly what I needed. And I am going to keep doing that.

If they don’t let me back into the United States after my trip to Ireland I know myself and I would make shit work. Haha.

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Didn’t Know I Needed That

Alright y’all. I have grieved for my country and tried to write a novel. I got about halfway which is more than I had any year before, woot! Some of it was old writing, new writing, and some things I didn’t even know I was capable of. I still want to continue my novel and edit the fuck out of it. The community of writers I follow in Chicago are so supportive and I hope one day to meet up with some of them to chat and write, they were very compassionate when I knew I couldn’t finish 50,000 words by the end of November. I hit a rut and I was so crazy busy.

I almost worked part of my holiday break until my therapist strongly recommended I take a breather. I have been stretched thin with work, dancing in the pantomime, social events, holiday shopping and spending time with my boyfriend. It’s been a doozy and I have hardly spent time at home let alone by myself in a peaceful environment! So I took her advice and decided to take care of my physical and emotional health. I was struggling with a cold and a bout of eczema so this weekend I went to the doc, got my meds and creams then huddled in my apartment. I haven’t left since! Today I plan to venture out and get some air but I think I really needed that time to just lay, answer to no one, moisturize, schedule some appointments, and just think about what I want to get done on this break.

Sometimes that sneaking feeling of I should be cleaning or doing this and that came in but I told myself I have plenty of time to get that done. Without having to work extra hours I can do as I please, sure more money would be grand however I desperately needed time away from the school I work in. Most importantly, I need time to write my essay for the psychology school I want to attend. My boyfriend says that has to be my priority for this break and it is. I began a draft, mostly stream of consciousness stuff. A starting place to get all my thoughts out (well the first part of them!) and then I can go back to smarten/condense the words. After that it’s a matter of 2 recommendation letters to get submitted by my coworker and an old professor.

I admit I am nervous but if I take care of my essay, the rest is just following up on my recommenders…

Also this week my boyfriend left for a solo trip to Washington D.C. He needed a break himself, he handles emotions in a different way and he is definitely able to keep busy without it taxing him. Color me envious but our needs are different. Even then, he too decided time away to himself was necessary. He mentioned it once in passing when I planned to apply to school that he would like to travel and sometimes alone because he couldn’t pay for my ticket all the time. At first it stung. Like a lot.

I wanted to travel but going back to school would mean I wouldn’t work for the first time in a long time. I would ideally like to find a small job but it still wouldn’t be a ton of income. I don’t make much now but all of it is going to me and my lifestyle. That will change next year. It’ll be going to school, books, other expenses and the money will be borrowed instead of my own. That’s gonna suck. I remember crying a bit and taking a breather in the next room to process that reality. Not only would it be a challenge for me but our relationship.

Going back to school is huge and it’s going to last a few years, years of not being able to go on trips when I want or attend social events that I enjoy, etc. It really hit me and I expressed how I would be upset. I would never stop him but it would suck because I’d feel like baggage left at home since I have so much to do. He assured me that wasn’t it, what he appreciates about our relationship is that we are both independent. We could do things on our own and together. He admitted that if I wasn’t even mad about him wanting to do things alone it would have concerned him.

I want to do all of things but I have to accept I can’t! He booked these tix to the east coast and I thought I’m going to miss him terribly. I’ll be real I miss him a lot I love hearing from him, seeing pictures and getting his snaps. Also, I really do love having this time alone even though I’m in dreary, cold Chicago! Same old, same old… but having this time to myself, no sharing the bed haha, not having to speak to people that I don’t want to talk to (too many holiday parties), staying in my pajamas, watching the movies I want, making messes that I can clean up later. It’s totally what I needed.

Soon enough he’ll be back in a day or two and if anything it gave me a chance to miss him, to recenter and also to look forward to my own solo trip. 🙂 He bought me tickets for my Christmas present. I’m going to Arizona by myself. I’ve always wanted to check out the desert and I’m hoping to book a day trip to Grand Canyon. We’re hoping to save for a couple’s trip in Spring and we have Ireland/England this summer. I may not have opportunity to travel a ton next school year but I’m getting it all in now so I can focus on my career goals. Here’s to remembering to take care of myself in the coming year.

 

No Takebacks

This is so atypical for me. The impulsive side won once again and this time I am totally in the wrong. My feelings are true but how I went about it was all wrong–I feel guilty and I may have ruined a friendship. 

I have been seeing this one guy since about October and we work together. Everything was going as well as could be expected until we caught feelings around Christmas time. I did not like the ambiguity of our relationship so we made it clear we are “in a relationship”. However, I could not call him my boyfriend–it felt too weird to call him that and he does not feel like my boyfriend. We went through the motions but somehow transitioning from friends to more we lost that special connection that developed in the first place.

I am not exactly sure what shifted but something did shift. I felt it when he returned from the holidays. We would do the usual who is sleeping at whose house and what we will have for dinner. We watched Netflix, we cuddled, we went to places together but something was missing. I needed more. This was not enough and it was bothering me.

I waited and wondered. Am I going mad? I sent so many mixed messages without meaning to. Perhaps this happened too fast, maybe it occurred because we work together. Maybe it was the fact that when there was a conflict (small ones), he avoided confrontation at all costs. He had good boundaries but I needed communication. I was not getting it. I tried to find a time to chat about it. 

I was not trying hard enough. Tickets were booked to Nashville I told myself to relax. After Nashville we will see. Maybe we need a recharge and just “us” time. But it was too late! Yesterday it all piled up and I needed that emotional connection. I realized how little I was given in terms of empathy. When I get mad if he decided the reason was “ridiculous” I would be considered unreasonable. He told me I was having a tantrum. I decided to finally say the truth that was weighing on me; maybe this relationship was not a good idea and after Nashville I want to go back to being friends.

I said this all via text… I know now in hindsight how rude that is. I asked to meet him up for a drink to discuss prior to my blow up but he refused due to funds. I thought if only we could chat I might end up being relieved of all these emotions. But I could not handle the stress. I wanted to go back to the way we were. Where we could actually chat about anything and everything openly. I felt we lost that. Now I get told I am this or that for my feelings! 

I wish I did it in person and thought out what I was going to say. I care so much but I need more than this. And I don’t think he is emotionally capable to do that with me. Might be a good idea to skip Nashville and go somewhere on my own. I can’t hold onto our past in New Orleans. It was one of those beautiful unplanned moments. But the magic is gone and I do not know if it can be recaptured.