Net Worth

I have returned from my vacation. It was awesome. I had a few doubts about how to be alone again, about spending and asking myself “do I really deserve this?” I hate how that comes up when I am supposed to be enjoying myself. My mind can’t even give me a rest on a holiday break. I kept thinking I am spending too much or I shouldn’t be throwing caution to the wind. But when do I honestly get a chance to fly solo and toss everything aside. So I went for it full force. I wandered around Papago Park, I showed up to a tourist place when it was closed, I hiked cautiously over snake holes (it’s too cold for snakes I was told thank fuck), I sat and journaled, I chatted to new people and met up with an old friend. One of my favorite things I did was see the Grand Canyon.

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Ok random story, I volunteered at this camp last summer called One Step for kids with cancer/in remission and one of the campers was in my same tour van with his family! They are from Skokie. What are the odds? The van can only fit like 10-11 people max excluding the driver. Also, I am nerdy and I learned a lot about cacti and other plants local to the desert. That was my other favorite thing about Arizona, all the mountains, desert and plants. Loads of the plants are medicinal so you bet your booty I was looking that stuff up!

So I flew back home this morning at about 1am. I basically vegged out in my bed watching Tales from the Crypt reruns. I didn’t want to face reality that I am back. I have things to do. I cancelled my free dance class  (I just didn’t feel like leaving my apartment) and braided my hair since I never learned french braids… I’m practicing now. I finally got the courage to look at my finances and rang my phone carrier to demand a better plan. I get less high speed data now but no charges for going over. That allows me to save money until I switch onto my boyfriend’s plan. I cancelled my Birchbox subscription to save a few dollars. Now I check my budgets and it’s like damn. My net worth is in the negative taking into account my loans, my credit cards, etc. Well… that sucks. That part of being an adult I can do without, thank youuuuuu. This is why I’m going back to school so I can get a job that I like and finally get compensated for it then travel all over the fucking place as I please without any guilt. #goals

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Anxiety Levels Rising

I filed my FAFSA. I have a trip to Phoenix with no car where everyone says I need one… I am going by myself which is both exhilarating but terrifying because I haven’t done this in awhile. I keep myself awake with thoughts of failure. Wave after wave of tension and uncertainty. I just want to breathe. I let out some tears and got a hug from Stephen this morning. I spoke to my advisor for psych school this morning felt some relief. Then I was cut from working some extra hours next week at this school camp. Makes me even more eager to leave that silly place, makes me bonkers.

I want to be safe in Phoenix and have fun. I know myself, I will end up soaking up sun and being antisocial for most of it which is what I need. I’ll probably spend too much money on transport but oh well. I need some desert heat and peace. I can’t wait to see the terrain for now though stressing has me paralyzed!

Can’t Sleep

It seems life just gets busier and crazier. In a good way this time. It still gives me anxiety though! I am spending the night at my bestie’s house in Indiana and I can’t sleep at all. I keep thinking about my trip to Phoenix in a week and after that Ireland in spring then London in summer.

The original plan was to go to Ireland in the summer and then I would pop over to London for a wedding but after lots of discussion and arguing with my boyfriend, we finally settled on going to Ireland for Easter and he offered to cover my expenses for London. It was one week of wondering what is the right thing to do. Trip planning has never been so stressful, we would get somewhere and then we would both be stubborn. Luckily we found a resolution and I am relieved. As hard as that decision was it was a relief to argue about something real. In the past with exes it would be petty shit.

This was real trio we have been planning and we wanted us to have the most time in Ireland with his family as well as giving me a tour of the country. I could be living there one day after all!

In addition to stressing about travels, I finally submitted my application for school and within a week I found out I was accepted! It is fantastic and I am so happy but also nervous. This is a huge step for me and I am committed now. It is daunting.

Yesterday I was given news that I was offered a scholarship as well due to my high GPA in undergrad. I don’t know how much it is yet but I am going to work hard to get more scholarships and grants to finance my education. That was something I didn’t do enough of in undergrad because I didn’t research or go after it. I am definitely going to do some work study. It is kind of exhilarating to be like making amends in a way for my naive approach to financials at age 18. Now a decade later I am wise to go after every avenue to know that at least I tried!

So my mind is full of thoughts of school, my aspirations for this year, all the traveling I am doing before school starts and working extra hours to save up for that first term/semester. Perhaps not sleeping in my bed is keeping me up or a combination of that and feeling like my personal life is finally better than any dream could be.

I can’t ignore the national reality all the time but I just needed this. I have been so drained from the news, the incompotence of the current administration, the racism that is far more overt in the USA now. But my therapist said I am incredibly sensitive to emotions and it makes sense to feel the cuts deeply of our current president’s shitty choices and orders. She told me if I need to close off from it that is what I should do. And I have. I left my phone in my bag when I went for lunch and read an old magazine. I found some free books to read on my phone. I think turning off social media and getting away from the news even in that small time is exactly what I needed. And I am going to keep doing that.

If they don’t let me back into the United States after my trip to Ireland I know myself and I would make shit work. Haha.

Losing Battle

Yesterday I did not something I rarely do at work. I disagreed. I disagreed with another teacher and she refused to take no for an answer. She kept repeating herself in authoritative ways but I did not see her point of view. 

My students are performing their play today. They have rehearsed their socks off during school time hours. Sometimes that means they miss out on morning recess/playtime. They are 5/6 years old. There is a schedule for when each grade or year group can go out to play. Occasionally my co teacher and I have taken children up to play when it was not their “scheduled time” with no discord or concern of safety because either my coteacher or I are present to supervise in addition to the 3-4 adults already on the roof. 

Yesterday I brought my students up for 15 minutes. The kids on the roof at that time  as the 12 year olds. Other classes left and my children stayed with 1-2 other classes that were older. One teacher approached me saying it was unsafe for the older children to be up there with the “little ones” despite my presence and all of our supervision. She not so kindly asked me to move them to a very small part of the playground. I acquiesced to her request in part but two groups of my students were interested in scooters and playing soccer with the older children. I thought I will keep the ones running around over here to appease teacher #1 and let the others play in the other sections.

1. Soccer is a contact sport but 12 year olds are mature enough to know when they are being too rough 

2. These 12 year olds are too big for these particular scooters anyway so no one was using them except my students.

Well another teacher came up and demanded I put all 16 of my kids in this small space to play due to safety. I asked what safety issues? I am not concerned. In my mind there are maybe 30 kids up there and 4 adults… What safety issues? Teacher #2 said our students are too big this is their “allocated” time etc. no empathy no room for open mindedness or collaborative/cooperative efforts. I said we would use the space for 10-15 minutes max and leave. No harm or foul. She refused and again demanded (not asked)?me to move the kids. I stood my ground because this did not make sense.

I saw my class collaborating with the older students already and causing no problems whatsoever. I declined to obey her orders per se because I am an adult not a child. A third teacher came up and said well such and such kid is really rambunctious. I again stood my ground while this teacher announced she would take no responsibility should an incident occur. I said I would take FULL responsibility. By the way nothing happened we were gone in 10 minutes while I received eye rolls and death glares from teacher 1 and 2.

I went downstairs to my coteacher explained the situation and she backed me up. She saw their “safety” concerns unfounded and said she would deal with them if they contacted her. Well the teachers contacted the upper years “leader” not my teacher and I was forced to attend a meeting where I was told that my behavior was inappropriate and unprofessional about 4-5 times. Trigger words I am sure. I maintained my cool and tried not to interrupt I only interrupted once which was important for me! 

I explained my side but I was ganged up on by the leader and this teacher. I said I am allowed to disagree and that this safety issue made no sense. These kids ought to be wise enough and also exposed to other years. Also there should be flexibility. I was told I can never say no and I thought that was disturbing. She said she found no validity in my point and NO ONE would back me up. She tried to shame me and say it was so appalling to hear that this was coming from me “of all people”. That this teacher has been here 6 years (ignore the fact I have been here 3 without this kind of issue in this school) and that this was not an authority issue.
Yes it was because if it was not then she would chat my teacher instead of going to tattle and force me into a meeting where my side was not even considered. It was all from these two teachers point of view.
Regardless I did not apologize. I bit some humble pie and merely ended the conversation with “now I understand and thank you”. I left. I will not say sorry when I do not feel it and I was definitely not ok. I was furious and upset! Totally belittled and told my opinion is invalid. Later I was also disrespected by the headmistress.
I am reading another Brené Brown book and in it she said a professor told her “you cannot use shame to change someone’s behavior”. Well that is this school’s mentality. Staying here is a losing battle. If I cannot be myself and disagree with I another teacher in an understanding and emphathetic manner what am I doing here? I have a fantastic co teacher but that is not enough. I am tying myself to a sinking ship. These so-called leaders demand respect and obedience when none is deserved or earned. 
I must make this school year my last. By any means necessary.