Didn’t Know I Needed That

Alright y’all. I have grieved for my country and tried to write a novel. I got about halfway which is more than I had any year before, woot! Some of it was old writing, new writing, and some things I didn’t even know I was capable of. I still want to continue my novel and edit the fuck out of it. The community of writers I follow in Chicago are so supportive and I hope one day to meet up with some of them to chat and write, they were very compassionate when I knew I couldn’t finish 50,000 words by the end of November. I hit a rut and I was so crazy busy.

I almost worked part of my holiday break until my therapist strongly recommended I take a breather. I have been stretched thin with work, dancing in the pantomime, social events, holiday shopping and spending time with my boyfriend. It’s been a doozy and I have hardly spent time at home let alone by myself in a peaceful environment! So I took her advice and decided to take care of my physical and emotional health. I was struggling with a cold and a bout of eczema so this weekend I went to the doc, got my meds and creams then huddled in my apartment. I haven’t left since! Today I plan to venture out and get some air but I think I really needed that time to just lay, answer to no one, moisturize, schedule some appointments, and just think about what I want to get done on this break.

Sometimes that sneaking feeling of I should be cleaning or doing this and that came in but I told myself I have plenty of time to get that done. Without having to work extra hours I can do as I please, sure more money would be grand however I desperately needed time away from the school I work in. Most importantly, I need time to write my essay for the psychology school I want to attend. My boyfriend says that has to be my priority for this break and it is. I began a draft, mostly stream of consciousness stuff. A starting place to get all my thoughts out (well the first part of them!) and then I can go back to smarten/condense the words. After that it’s a matter of 2 recommendation letters to get submitted by my coworker and an old professor.

I admit I am nervous but if I take care of my essay, the rest is just following up on my recommenders…

Also this week my boyfriend left for a solo trip to Washington D.C. He needed a break himself, he handles emotions in a different way and he is definitely able to keep busy without it taxing him. Color me envious but our needs are different. Even then, he too decided time away to himself was necessary. He mentioned it once in passing when I planned to apply to school that he would like to travel and sometimes alone because he couldn’t pay for my ticket all the time. At first it stung. Like a lot.

I wanted to travel but going back to school would mean I wouldn’t work for the first time in a long time. I would ideally like to find a small job but it still wouldn’t be a ton of income. I don’t make much now but all of it is going to me and my lifestyle. That will change next year. It’ll be going to school, books, other expenses and the money will be borrowed instead of my own. That’s gonna suck. I remember crying a bit and taking a breather in the next room to process that reality. Not only would it be a challenge for me but our relationship.

Going back to school is huge and it’s going to last a few years, years of not being able to go on trips when I want or attend social events that I enjoy, etc. It really hit me and I expressed how I would be upset. I would never stop him but it would suck because I’d feel like baggage left at home since I have so much to do. He assured me that wasn’t it, what he appreciates about our relationship is that we are both independent. We could do things on our own and together. He admitted that if I wasn’t even mad about him wanting to do things alone it would have concerned him.

I want to do all of things but I have to accept I can’t! He booked these tix to the east coast and I thought I’m going to miss him terribly. I’ll be real I miss him a lot I love hearing from him, seeing pictures and getting his snaps. Also, I really do love having this time alone even though I’m in dreary, cold Chicago! Same old, same old… but having this time to myself, no sharing the bed haha, not having to speak to people that I don’t want to talk to (too many holiday parties), staying in my pajamas, watching the movies I want, making messes that I can clean up later. It’s totally what I needed.

Soon enough he’ll be back in a day or two and if anything it gave me a chance to miss him, to recenter and also to look forward to my own solo trip. 🙂 He bought me tickets for my Christmas present. I’m going to Arizona by myself. I’ve always wanted to check out the desert and I’m hoping to book a day trip to Grand Canyon. We’re hoping to save for a couple’s trip in Spring and we have Ireland/England this summer. I may not have opportunity to travel a ton next school year but I’m getting it all in now so I can focus on my career goals. Here’s to remembering to take care of myself in the coming year.

 

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I want you, but I don’t need you

I am still going to Nashville, I am going with the guy and that is ok. I am trying to learn to relax. It’s really fucking hard. I haven’t been taking care of myself as I should. I’ve been overwhelmed by a possible job prospect and my current work. It turned out that actually talking it out with said involved person… it helped. Seriously, what the fuck. I am used to passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive, escalating and/or violent confrontation. Instead, I was met with him asking for space and then he requested to see me a day later.

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