Net Worth

I have returned from my vacation. It was awesome. I had a few doubts about how to be alone again, about spending and asking myself “do I really deserve this?” I hate how that comes up when I am supposed to be enjoying myself. My mind can’t even give me a rest on a holiday break. I kept thinking I am spending too much or I shouldn’t be throwing caution to the wind. But when do I honestly get a chance to fly solo and toss everything aside. So I went for it full force. I wandered around Papago Park, I showed up to a tourist place when it was closed, I hiked cautiously over snake holes (it’s too cold for snakes I was told thank fuck), I sat and journaled, I chatted to new people and met up with an old friend. One of my favorite things I did was see the Grand Canyon.

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Ok random story, I volunteered at this camp last summer called One Step for kids with cancer/in remission and one of the campers was in my same tour van with his family! They are from Skokie. What are the odds? The van can only fit like 10-11 people max excluding the driver. Also, I am nerdy and I learned a lot about cacti and other plants local to the desert. That was my other favorite thing about Arizona, all the mountains, desert and plants. Loads of the plants are medicinal so you bet your booty I was looking that stuff up!

So I flew back home this morning at about 1am. I basically vegged out in my bed watching Tales from the Crypt reruns. I didn’t want to face reality that I am back. I have things to do. I cancelled my free dance class  (I just didn’t feel like leaving my apartment) and braided my hair since I never learned french braids… I’m practicing now. I finally got the courage to look at my finances and rang my phone carrier to demand a better plan. I get less high speed data now but no charges for going over. That allows me to save money until I switch onto my boyfriend’s plan. I cancelled my Birchbox subscription to save a few dollars. Now I check my budgets and it’s like damn. My net worth is in the negative taking into account my loans, my credit cards, etc. Well… that sucks. That part of being an adult I can do without, thank youuuuuu. This is why I’m going back to school so I can get a job that I like and finally get compensated for it then travel all over the fucking place as I please without any guilt. #goals

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So I did a thing…

I did a thing where I bought a brand new MacBook Air 13” laptop with money I don’t have. I needed it and I was tired of coming home to a laptop that couldn’t play movies or even connect to the internet properly from my bedroom. So yes, I have been rather reckless with my spending and it didn’t end there. I am definitely the type, the very flawed type that spends while emotionally downtrodden. The laptop was my largest expense but I bought a few things for my room and the house. I am taking a deep breath this week to look at my expenses realistically so I don’t drown myself in a pool of debt.

It is frustrating because it seems that whenever everything goes to shit, it really does… Like literally everything. My boots are due for an update after being 5 years old, I don’t have a proper comforter for my bed, even some of my underwear is losing elasticity.

All these things need to be replaced and it sucks because not only am I going through the break up feels, all my shit is literally falling apart. So there’s been a lot of eye rolling, laughing with friends, self compassion mixed with self annoyance and all I can say is: I love my laptop and I miss my ex, but I don’t miss the money arguments.

He still owes me money but he was always on my ass about being a collector. He expects me to message him and ask for it back, then he can berate me with how I am am some selfish, uncharitable person. I feel like he can keep the money so I don’t have to hear him explain how saintly he is compared to me.

But I still love him and that is the shitty part of any breakup with someone you love. It’s so much easier if you don’t love them/realize you didn’t really care too much emotionally for them. I’ve had breakups where I got over them within a short period of time. This won’t be the case. I have to feel all the icky feelings and let time pass and actively want to be away from him.

In some ways I am glad I am not near him. I tried to care for him and do as much as I could, he felt he was taking care of me in that time. It was the opposite. I was there for him the whole time while everyone else went away. I didn’t want to fight anymore or win him over. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, I feel like he expected me to try to win him over. But I didn’t betray him.

Anyway, yes I did buy a laptop because this breakup sucks. And yes I will be talking about my breakup for a long time. I am still in love with him even if we don’t fit together now or ever. But I’m not the type to stand by and wait. He would always complain that I was impatient. Maybe it’s my flaw, but when I truly want something I go for it. I truly want to be the best me I can be.