Anxiety Levels Rising

I filed my FAFSA. I have a trip to Phoenix with no car where everyone says I need one… I am going by myself which is both exhilarating but terrifying because I haven’t done this in awhile. I keep myself awake with thoughts of failure. Wave after wave of tension and uncertainty. I just want to breathe. I let out some tears and got a hug from Stephen this morning. I spoke to my advisor for psych school this morning felt some relief. Then I was cut from working some extra hours next week at this school camp. Makes me even more eager to leave that silly place, makes me bonkers.

I want to be safe in Phoenix and have fun. I know myself, I will end up soaking up sun and being antisocial for most of it which is what I need. I’ll probably spend too much money on transport but oh well. I need some desert heat and peace. I can’t wait to see the terrain for now though stressing has me paralyzed!


Losing Battle

Yesterday I did not something I rarely do at work. I disagreed. I disagreed with another teacher and she refused to take no for an answer. She kept repeating herself in authoritative ways but I did not see her point of view. 

My students are performing their play today. They have rehearsed their socks off during school time hours. Sometimes that means they miss out on morning recess/playtime. They are 5/6 years old. There is a schedule for when each grade or year group can go out to play. Occasionally my co teacher and I have taken children up to play when it was not their “scheduled time” with no discord or concern of safety because either my coteacher or I are present to supervise in addition to the 3-4 adults already on the roof. 

Yesterday I brought my students up for 15 minutes. The kids on the roof at that time  as the 12 year olds. Other classes left and my children stayed with 1-2 other classes that were older. One teacher approached me saying it was unsafe for the older children to be up there with the “little ones” despite my presence and all of our supervision. She not so kindly asked me to move them to a very small part of the playground. I acquiesced to her request in part but two groups of my students were interested in scooters and playing soccer with the older children. I thought I will keep the ones running around over here to appease teacher #1 and let the others play in the other sections.

1. Soccer is a contact sport but 12 year olds are mature enough to know when they are being too rough 

2. These 12 year olds are too big for these particular scooters anyway so no one was using them except my students.

Well another teacher came up and demanded I put all 16 of my kids in this small space to play due to safety. I asked what safety issues? I am not concerned. In my mind there are maybe 30 kids up there and 4 adults… What safety issues? Teacher #2 said our students are too big this is their “allocated” time etc. no empathy no room for open mindedness or collaborative/cooperative efforts. I said we would use the space for 10-15 minutes max and leave. No harm or foul. She refused and again demanded (not asked)?me to move the kids. I stood my ground because this did not make sense.

I saw my class collaborating with the older students already and causing no problems whatsoever. I declined to obey her orders per se because I am an adult not a child. A third teacher came up and said well such and such kid is really rambunctious. I again stood my ground while this teacher announced she would take no responsibility should an incident occur. I said I would take FULL responsibility. By the way nothing happened we were gone in 10 minutes while I received eye rolls and death glares from teacher 1 and 2.

I went downstairs to my coteacher explained the situation and she backed me up. She saw their “safety” concerns unfounded and said she would deal with them if they contacted her. Well the teachers contacted the upper years “leader” not my teacher and I was forced to attend a meeting where I was told that my behavior was inappropriate and unprofessional about 4-5 times. Trigger words I am sure. I maintained my cool and tried not to interrupt I only interrupted once which was important for me! 

I explained my side but I was ganged up on by the leader and this teacher. I said I am allowed to disagree and that this safety issue made no sense. These kids ought to be wise enough and also exposed to other years. Also there should be flexibility. I was told I can never say no and I thought that was disturbing. She said she found no validity in my point and NO ONE would back me up. She tried to shame me and say it was so appalling to hear that this was coming from me “of all people”. That this teacher has been here 6 years (ignore the fact I have been here 3 without this kind of issue in this school) and that this was not an authority issue.
Yes it was because if it was not then she would chat my teacher instead of going to tattle and force me into a meeting where my side was not even considered. It was all from these two teachers point of view.
Regardless I did not apologize. I bit some humble pie and merely ended the conversation with “now I understand and thank you”. I left. I will not say sorry when I do not feel it and I was definitely not ok. I was furious and upset! Totally belittled and told my opinion is invalid. Later I was also disrespected by the headmistress.
I am reading another BrenĂ© Brown book and in it she said a professor told her “you cannot use shame to change someone’s behavior”. Well that is this school’s mentality. Staying here is a losing battle. If I cannot be myself and disagree with I another teacher in an understanding and emphathetic manner what am I doing here? I have a fantastic co teacher but that is not enough. I am tying myself to a sinking ship. These so-called leaders demand respect and obedience when none is deserved or earned. 
I must make this school year my last. By any means necessary.