So I did a thing…

I did a thing where I bought a brand new MacBook Air 13” laptop with money I don’t have. I needed it and I was tired of coming home to a laptop that couldn’t play movies or even connect to the internet properly from my bedroom. So yes, I have been rather reckless with my spending and it didn’t end there. I am definitely the type, the very flawed type that spends while emotionally downtrodden. The laptop was my largest expense but I bought a few things for my room and the house. I am taking a deep breath this week to look at my expenses realistically so I don’t drown myself in a pool of debt.

It is frustrating because it seems that whenever everything goes to shit, it really does… Like literally everything. My boots are due for an update after being 5 years old, I don’t have a proper comforter for my bed, even some of my underwear is losing elasticity.

All these things need to be replaced and it sucks because not only am I going through the break up feels, all my shit is literally falling apart. So there’s been a lot of eye rolling, laughing with friends, self compassion mixed with self annoyance and all I can say is: I love my laptop and I miss my ex, but I don’t miss the money arguments.

He still owes me money but he was always on my ass about being a collector. He expects me to message him and ask for it back, then he can berate me with how I am am some selfish, uncharitable person. I feel like he can keep the money so I don’t have to hear him explain how saintly he is compared to me.

But I still love him and that is the shitty part of any breakup with someone you love. It’s so much easier if you don’t love them/realize you didn’t really care too much emotionally for them. I’ve had breakups where I got over them within a short period of time. This won’t be the case. I have to feel all the icky feelings and let time pass and actively want to be away from him.

In some ways I am glad I am not near him. I tried to care for him and do as much as I could, he felt he was taking care of me in that time. It was the opposite. I was there for him the whole time while everyone else went away. I didn’t want to fight anymore or win him over. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, I feel like he expected me to try to win him over. But I didn’t betray him.

Anyway, yes I did buy a laptop because this breakup sucks. And yes I will be talking about my breakup for a long time. I am still in love with him even if we don’t fit together now or ever. But I’m not the type to stand by and wait. He would always complain that I was impatient. Maybe it’s my flaw, but when I truly want something I go for it. I truly want to be the best me I can be.

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A confession.

I talked with my new coworker/head teacher this week about blogging and how I am terrible at keeping it a routine. I am getting to know her better each day, she is so confident and knows what she likes. I used to be that way. Lately, I have been rather listless but striving for change. I was way more confident and took way more chances, now I am tend to stay in the background where it’s safe. I occasionally go out of my comfort zone but only occasionally.

So here is me going at it again to keep this up.

Also I was dumped today by my boyfriend. Before all the pity and I’m sorry this happened you, etc. This isn’t my first rodeo in the break up arena. This however is the first time someone I am in love with broke up with me cruelly and without mercy. Yes, there were petty arguments leading up to it and there has been months of stagnation… But today I was told that there was no empathy or patience left for me. That I am only confident around those I am comfortable with, on my own terms and that I’m not confident outright. I make too many demands. The list goes on.

Basically all my deficiencies in the relationships were put on blast and I didn’t fight it. No ma’am. I listened, I agreed, I said my piece and as soon as the “I have no empathy or patience for you” came out of that phone, I hung up. I cried, I sobbed. I couldn’t believe that someone I love could talk to me so hatefully and claim that my selfless acts paled in comparison to his true selflessness.

My language about my relationship on this blog has been rather vague and now I can clarify without shame or concern over hurting the man I love most. Last year, I antagonized my boyfriend physically after he used a door to crush my body accidentally. Incensed and a witness to physical abuse as a child, I lashed out by breaking his phone and in my boyfriend’s attempts to flee he grabbed liquid soap and threw the soapy substance into my eyes to blind me. He yelled, I yelled and yes it burned like a motherfucker. It didn’t end there. I really wish it did.

I hit him on his way out. I forget his words exactly, I tried to block them out but he told me something along the lines of “you want to fight?” With that he took me down to the floor, sat on me and slapped me repeatedly all over my face. He tore at my shirt and my chest was exposed. I screamed and tried to defend myself, it was fruitless. I screamed bloody murder until he placed his hands on my throat and choked me. My screams were silenced and I saw black until he stopped himself. Shocked as to what occurred, he leaned against the wall while I cried and asked “Why, why, why?” He picked me up off the floor and I tried to shove him away. He cleaned up my wounds as I cried and lamented that I became like my mother. A victim.

This night haunts me even when I think I’ve forgiven him. I know what I did was wrong. I broke his property, I slapped him, I pushed him. It wasn’t right. I didn’t make wise choices. But what he did in response wasn’t right either. He could have killed me.

I called the police. I demanded he go to anger management and counseling because promises were not enough. There have been close calls since then, where I phoned police. He broke a door, he’s thrown me into the street. It’s been a hard two years in this relationship. I have anxiety even before this relationship but opening up about my dislikes has become difficult.

He’s made lots of strides but we both tuned the world out. Him more so than me. He lost his drive. These past months have been peaceful. However, my disgruntled requests sometimes too late leave him feeling as if I demand too much. He reminded me of all he does or did. Going to jail once, paying for anger management and therapy, sending me letters, videos, flowers, when I refused to date him until I relented last summer. I found his ceaseless efforts to be that of someone who is willing to be accountable for what occurred. As I try to be as well.

For now, we go our separate ways but now I no longer have to keep this secret close to me. To protect him and to protect myself. It happened. We can’t be a couple anymore because the empathy was lost, but maybe he can forgive me over time all those demands… as I try to forgive him everyday for what happened that night.