A Little Prayer

Wanting to put my feelings out there that life is so unpredictable and anything could happen, be it something magical or tragic. I have had my share of both and lately I feel I have had quite a magical ride so far! This past weekend, I spent it with my family to share some empathy and touch base. It was most needed and as always I want more time! We made more plans to meet up in an apple orchard and for them to meet my new love, also to make tamales, and even get together in different states/countries. It filled my heart. Also this morning I got a call from my love that last night he got in a legal hiccup and he is so worried about losing his job or being sent back to his home overseas due to this mistake.

I can’t lie, at first I was in lecture mode and he was straight up in saying that this was the opposite of what he needed right now. He was scared and I have not heard him so scared before, he told me he even cried (he is not emotional like me) and was so anxious he vomited at the thought of his life in America ending because of some bad choices.

For some reason and those who know me best would be shocked, I kept my cool and I honestly believed with absolute certainty that the worst case scenario would not be the scenario. It is weird because I am such a worrier and I’m always going mental about something or the other, but in this case while he was losing his mind with concern–I sat there completely chill knowing it wouldn’t come to that, he wouldn’t be sent away.

And if he was… it wouldn’t change my feelings. Granted, I am annoyed that this even happened. I would be devastated not to spend time with him each week if he was told to go back to Ireland. But it wouldn’t stop me from feeling love for him and for believing that we would find a way to sort it all.

He asked me to pray for him which he has yet to ask of me at all. I said I would and this is me putting out good feels that hopefully more good feels would come our way, especially his way during his time of need. Here’s to a pleasant solution and learning a valuable lesson.

How Can You Be Sure?

I think that’s what bothers me about falling in love again. I was so sure the first time and it was so enveloping. It drowned me.

This time, I can be independent and I like being able to separate the us time and the time with friends or family. I want to share more with him. I want to spend all this time with him and I can see this future before us and i like it. But I get scared. Like is this it? Am I “settling”?  People say never settle but then you might miss out on something truly awesome just because you keep looking for the better scenario. More money, more abs, more flair, etc. Whatever it is people always tell me they’re looking for it’s pretty damn hard to find someone who fits all the criteria. It’s like that scene from Pride and Prejudice when Elizabeth Bennet asks who Darcy’s ideal woman is and Caroline Bingley tells it all, then Lizzie’s all well how the fuck did you expect to find a woman like that I’ve never met someone like that in my own life! Or something like that you know, I paraphrase.

There are totally those contrary voices that come in and say well you’re just being safe or you’re making shit up so that it won’t work out because you like drama. But what the fuck is wrong with safe? I don’t want to be with someone mental and unpredictable someone who could hurt me just because s/he can excite me. This guy still excites me but not in startling ways, it’s like he surprises me with his kindness and selflessness. The way he can listen and be true to himself but it doesn’t come at a cost. He surprises me because he wants to make plans and they actually come to fruition. He said let’s plan a weekend getaway. We had something booked within a week. This man speaks things and they come into existence. He is a man of action and shit, he is inspiring me to get my shit going too.

I want to be all these things but I am struggling because I also don’t want to forfeit my true self. But I also don’t want to just say this is the best version of me, I want to continually improve. I get so worried that I am the only one doubting it felt good to know I wasn’t the only one who had doubts. I just don’t want him to think I will leave him suddenly like I did before. I am looking at this from all angles because I want to make a life the real thing this time. Where I do things that I want to do and make those ideas into realities. speaking things into existence like he does.

Some parts of that will be domestic life but also I want to make sure we don’t get bored. That we still pursue our adventures and so far it feels like that is definitely on the to do list. We’re already planning a Europe trip for next summer. I don’t want things to be monotonous and routine but sometimes I like a bit of routine… fuck I am such a worrier. i stress myself out and give myself anxiety over the future and all he said was to enjoy the ride. I’ll do my damn best!

Think About It

Tomorrow, I am flying to Nashville to visit friends, lay by the pool, listen to live music, drink, eat, and just chill. I am looking forward to it especially since I will go with my best friend. It’s a family reunion of sorts, this friend group is my family in the South. It brings up my trip from February, when I visited Nashville for the first time with my boyfriend of sorts. At the time, I didn’t see him that way. I was still sorting myself out and there was a lot of miscommunication. Our magic from the NOLA trip didn’t transfer to Nashville especially since I wanted to pop by to visit who I consider family. He didn’t see it that way, he saw this as solely a couple’s trip which it was… but there was so much unspoken between us.

Back then, I didn’t know how to talk to him or ask him for what I needed. Emotions ran high and he ended up offending me in a big way by being rude to my friends. I could not get past it and shortly thereafter, I left him. I don’t regret it. It’s one of those things that needed to happen. I needed to be alone. I needed to process my shit and I needed to remove myself from this situation. I was a bit rash believing I had to break up because he couldn’t keep his shit together in Nashville. But I had to re-examine a lot of things.

What I wanted, what was expected of me if I pursue relationships, what I’m looking for and all that shit I’d rather not face. I still don’t know what I want exactly, but at the time I wasn’t satisfied and I wanted to explore what other kinds of love existed. But that’s the deal, I knew I loved him but I thought I didn’t love him like how he should be loved. Now I see that I was in love but I didn’t want to be because I was still grieving my ex. I couldn’t help comparing the two either which is sucky but I totally did it. I thought well I was head over heels for my ex for 2 years, I went bonkers living and breathing in this other person. Wanting everything to do with him and being intoxicated by his presence.

With my NOLA/Nashville guy I wasn’t going insane or completely enveloped in him, I loved hearing his stories and how he rang me up to talk… But I wasn’t obsessive or nearly as possessive as I was with my ex. We were pretty tame and I thought, fuck does this mean that because our love is not intense in every aspect of our relationship that this isn’t going to work out? We’re not oozing romance constantly therefore I can’t really be that in love right? Right.

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Wrong.

Actually, post breakup I felt like I could say all the shit that I didn’t say before. The lines became blurred and I dated other people and so did he… but I kept thinking about him. Not my abusive and intensely passionate ex. I thought about the emotionally healthy guy that took me to different US cities, who checked on me, who was definitely fed up with my mixed signals but couldn’t help but ask what really was going on. We’re so different, we talked about it so much. Similarities here and there, but vastly different in other ways. Not to mention that sometimes I still bring up that ex that broke my heart which after months of courtship must drive him nuts.

So now we’re in this unclear space where we love each other but we haven’t decided what to do about it. Until now. He told me he is at a time in his life where he can’t be messing around. I should think about what I want when I am off in Nashville and he can think about it while he is Wisconsin then we can talk about what we thought about…

Well I am already panicking because part of me is like hell yes, I want this. Let’s try again! Another part of me is like well, flirting and crushing is fun too. Do I want to give that up again? I did try dating other people but that was a total drag for me, people my age are at a time in their life where they DO want to mess around and just explore themselves. Which I totally get, I am still exploring myself but I also don’t want to connect with people who are going to be temporary. I don’t have time for that shit, I’m too emotional for that business too. My time and care is precious, I can’t be giving it away like I used to. I learned that giving too much is damaging.

I can go for this but then I have to be serious and bring up topics that probably make me feel uncomfortable or I can say fuck this, waiting for a grass is greener scenario. Both are a gamble. I guess my real fear is that I will end up being half a boring couple who think about buying houses and marriage. I don’t want to be end up boring. I also don’t want to waste my time dating people who are going to end up being irrelevant months later.

But truthfully, I am kind of boring! I like doing adventurous stuff, but I like being at home in my bed taking pictures of my taco pillow or playing games on my phone. Welp, I have five days to think about it. Be boring by myself or with someone I love? Sounds like an easy decision but for me, it never is.

A Look Back

Soon it will be a year since the biggest, most mature, yet equally heartbreaking breakup of my life. It’s eerie as it is a huge fucking relief. To think of the letters burned or tossed, gifts or clothes that will soon be donated, and I even checked my texts… I found that old conversation dating back to about a month after the breakup. When we tried to talk and it failed. When he attempted to lay groundwork for winning me back and I rejected it. I read every single fucking text. I read and I cringed. I saw my sincere efforts at trying to stay calm and losing my shit on him when he would throw me moon sign jargon.

I thought about leaving it in my saved iMessages but I told myself no. I can’t keep rereading those messages every other month and visiting those feelings. Even now I am itching my chest like I am getting hives thinking about how lovesick I felt at the time. How I had to fight every instinct that told me to contact him or reminded me of how much I loved him. I thought it would take so much longer for those feelings to fade and it makes me kind of sad to think how I thought that love was everything I needed. I worked my ass off to get over him and now I am but it’s not like I’m magically cured of all ills. It still aches like my wrist does even though it was back in high school when I injured it.

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When It Hurts

Lately, I feel like next to nothing is going the way I like. There’s not much positive to look forward to except the looming end of the school year after this week. Love life I have halted completely because dating is not fun for me anymore. I want to put effort into relationships with friends and family who make the time for me and care for me in the way I need.

But inevitably, I fuck that up to by talking to my coworker, the one I went to NOLA with… the one that I dumped in February. Talking and hanging out, it isn’t wise when neither of us knows what to make of these feelings. I am trying to do this volunteer camp where they fucked up communicating to me that I needed to attend an orientation. Now I am given an option not as a camp counselor but running AV which I have never done audio/visual shite except take my own selfies.

The theme of this fucking year so far is that I tried and I have been failing. I don’t have room for some cheesy let’s make this happen bit. I am just so tired.  I come back from work exhausted. I am tired of people and things and places that cannot get their shit together and want me to be flexible and roll with it. I’m done being flexible, I am done being understanding and open. I am the vulnerable one and then I am left in the dust.

It hurts a lot that I try and try and it’s just epic failure. It’s kind of hard to imagine if I want to do big and great things that these small failures I can hardly handle. What about the big stuff? This shit is going to get repetitive and things are going to keep going tits up but how am I going to dig deep and keep going?

All I can manage to do right now is feel the failure and wade through it. My defenses are up and I am shutting certain things down. Dating. Shut down. Socializing during the week. Shut down. I would just like to take a break from a lot of things and soon I will have that much needed time away. Even so, things seem bleak and yes I’ve heard all the “keep going” and other junk before. I don’t want positivity now, I just need some empathy from people who get it.

I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

The best $35 I spent was on a Megabus to Nashville. I learned that I do fancy some country music especially when I hear it live, I also found out that I love songs by Johnny Cash and Hank Williams. I also discovered that the man I have been seeing and traveling with is not the one for me. There is no real reason for it. Everything was magical up until after the holidays and a shift occurred. I thought I knew what I wanted, I believed that these feelings were truer than anything else. But the truth is we didn’t know each other as well as we thought. He helped me get over my ex. I am much better yet something still lingers. I have this longing for my ex, perhaps I miss how I used to feel. Whatever it is, I know this. I don’t want to go back to my ex and I don’t want to be in a relationship with my current beau.

I can’t be a girlfriend right now.

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So when we came back from our trip, I knew I had to face this. I had to tell him. No more mixed messages, if I want to save this friendship I have to breakup with him. This was my first time initiating a breakup. It’s not fun by the way. I definitely cried. There are no ways to explain it other than, I have a lot to sort out on my own. I didn’t want to cheat him out of love or something like it. There was love there but it was brief. It burned out. Burnt toast, my sister in law called it, because no matter how much you butter it… you still don’t want it.

Our time in New Orleans will always be one of my favorite memories. It was one of those perfect, spontaneous moments. He helped me grieve for my relationship. But now I need to do things on my own. People called it a rebound. Whatever you want to call it. I can honestly say, my feelings were real and true. But things don’t stay the same always. Change happens and that’s what happened to me. I used to dislike country. Now I love it. I used to be in love with my New Orleans/Nashville travel companion, but I’m not in love anymore. I think the love I need to focus on is self-love. He can’t help me with that one.

Cleanse

I returned from the holidays, so ready for my apartment and my bed. I couldn’t find a notepad and that’s when I discovered a Valentine’s Day letter from my ex. He made it for me almost two years ago. That’s when I decided, I’m ready… I need to get rid of these letters underneath my bed. All those love letters, apology letters, I’m-not-giving-up letters, I’m-not-violent-I-want-peace letters, it’s fucking time to get rid of this shit. I don’t want my future daughter or son to come snooping in my things to find some bullshit letters from an ex that I am not in love with anymore.

It’s over, it’s done. It needs to stop.

My ex’s letters weren’t bullshit in his mind, he meant every word but as I reread some of them–I can’t believe I fell for it. So hard. That’s what upsets me. That I put myself in that position by living with him and that there was no way for me to see then. There was no way out, it was a cycle that would keep going. There was no exit for us at the time. How foolish I was to think that I couldn’t escape!

I read these letters that are love but most of them are trying to rationalize his actions. They repeat the words “I love you” but love is more than words. It’s a behavior. I read our inside jokes and the romance, but it’s not what I needed. I needed far more than fucking letters saying that I was loved and cared for. I needed safety, consistency and a healthy relationship.

I’m pissed that I tried so hard and it didn’t work. I don’t love him anymore. Part of me may always care and wonder about him, I wish him a healthy relationship not just with himself, or family, but a significant other.

Not a single fiber in my being wants him back. I wish I could erase him but that wouldn’t do me any good. I learned a lot from him. There were good memories there but it wasn’t enough. The love was not enough.

Can someone tell me how to be ok?

I do not know how to be ok.

Here’s the weird part, my life is going pretty well. Nothing terrible is happening. My friends are nearby, I love them. I have my family close and everyone is doing as well as they can be… my niece and nephews are healthy bundles of love. I have a job, an apartment in a cool fucking neighborhood, it’s the holidays where I get two weeks off and the weather doesn’t suck. I am seeing someone I really like. My life is pretty unsucky right now.

But why don’t I feel ok?

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So I did a thing…

I did a thing where I bought a brand new MacBook Air 13” laptop with money I don’t have. I needed it and I was tired of coming home to a laptop that couldn’t play movies or even connect to the internet properly from my bedroom. So yes, I have been rather reckless with my spending and it didn’t end there. I am definitely the type, the very flawed type that spends while emotionally downtrodden. The laptop was my largest expense but I bought a few things for my room and the house. I am taking a deep breath this week to look at my expenses realistically so I don’t drown myself in a pool of debt.

It is frustrating because it seems that whenever everything goes to shit, it really does… Like literally everything. My boots are due for an update after being 5 years old, I don’t have a proper comforter for my bed, even some of my underwear is losing elasticity.

All these things need to be replaced and it sucks because not only am I going through the break up feels, all my shit is literally falling apart. So there’s been a lot of eye rolling, laughing with friends, self compassion mixed with self annoyance and all I can say is: I love my laptop and I miss my ex, but I don’t miss the money arguments.

He still owes me money but he was always on my ass about being a collector. He expects me to message him and ask for it back, then he can berate me with how I am am some selfish, uncharitable person. I feel like he can keep the money so I don’t have to hear him explain how saintly he is compared to me.

But I still love him and that is the shitty part of any breakup with someone you love. It’s so much easier if you don’t love them/realize you didn’t really care too much emotionally for them. I’ve had breakups where I got over them within a short period of time. This won’t be the case. I have to feel all the icky feelings and let time pass and actively want to be away from him.

In some ways I am glad I am not near him. I tried to care for him and do as much as I could, he felt he was taking care of me in that time. It was the opposite. I was there for him the whole time while everyone else went away. I didn’t want to fight anymore or win him over. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, I feel like he expected me to try to win him over. But I didn’t betray him.

Anyway, yes I did buy a laptop because this breakup sucks. And yes I will be talking about my breakup for a long time. I am still in love with him even if we don’t fit together now or ever. But I’m not the type to stand by and wait. He would always complain that I was impatient. Maybe it’s my flaw, but when I truly want something I go for it. I truly want to be the best me I can be.

A confession.

I talked with my new coworker/head teacher this week about blogging and how I am terrible at keeping it a routine. I am getting to know her better each day, she is so confident and knows what she likes. I used to be that way. Lately, I have been rather listless but striving for change. I was way more confident and took way more chances, now I am tend to stay in the background where it’s safe. I occasionally go out of my comfort zone but only occasionally.

So here is me going at it again to keep this up.

Also I was dumped today by my boyfriend. Before all the pity and I’m sorry this happened you, etc. This isn’t my first rodeo in the break up arena. This however is the first time someone I am in love with broke up with me cruelly and without mercy. Yes, there were petty arguments leading up to it and there has been months of stagnation… But today I was told that there was no empathy or patience left for me. That I am only confident around those I am comfortable with, on my own terms and that I’m not confident outright. I make too many demands. The list goes on.

Basically all my deficiencies in the relationships were put on blast and I didn’t fight it. No ma’am. I listened, I agreed, I said my piece and as soon as the “I have no empathy or patience for you” came out of that phone, I hung up. I cried, I sobbed. I couldn’t believe that someone I love could talk to me so hatefully and claim that my selfless acts paled in comparison to his true selflessness.

My language about my relationship on this blog has been rather vague and now I can clarify without shame or concern over hurting the man I love most. Last year, I antagonized my boyfriend physically after he used a door to crush my body accidentally. Incensed and a witness to physical abuse as a child, I lashed out by breaking his phone and in my boyfriend’s attempts to flee he grabbed liquid soap and threw the soapy substance into my eyes to blind me. He yelled, I yelled and yes it burned like a motherfucker. It didn’t end there. I really wish it did.

I hit him on his way out. I forget his words exactly, I tried to block them out but he told me something along the lines of “you want to fight?” With that he took me down to the floor, sat on me and slapped me repeatedly all over my face. He tore at my shirt and my chest was exposed. I screamed and tried to defend myself, it was fruitless. I screamed bloody murder until he placed his hands on my throat and choked me. My screams were silenced and I saw black until he stopped himself. Shocked as to what occurred, he leaned against the wall while I cried and asked “Why, why, why?” He picked me up off the floor and I tried to shove him away. He cleaned up my wounds as I cried and lamented that I became like my mother. A victim.

This night haunts me even when I think I’ve forgiven him. I know what I did was wrong. I broke his property, I slapped him, I pushed him. It wasn’t right. I didn’t make wise choices. But what he did in response wasn’t right either. He could have killed me.

I called the police. I demanded he go to anger management and counseling because promises were not enough. There have been close calls since then, where I phoned police. He broke a door, he’s thrown me into the street. It’s been a hard two years in this relationship. I have anxiety even before this relationship but opening up about my dislikes has become difficult.

He’s made lots of strides but we both tuned the world out. Him more so than me. He lost his drive. These past months have been peaceful. However, my disgruntled requests sometimes too late leave him feeling as if I demand too much. He reminded me of all he does or did. Going to jail once, paying for anger management and therapy, sending me letters, videos, flowers, when I refused to date him until I relented last summer. I found his ceaseless efforts to be that of someone who is willing to be accountable for what occurred. As I try to be as well.

For now, we go our separate ways but now I no longer have to keep this secret close to me. To protect him and to protect myself. It happened. We can’t be a couple anymore because the empathy was lost, but maybe he can forgive me over time all those demands… as I try to forgive him everyday for what happened that night.