How Can You Be Sure?

I think that’s what bothers me about falling in love again. I was so sure the first time and it was so enveloping. It drowned me.

This time, I can be independent and I like being able to separate the us time and the time with friends or family. I want to share more with him. I want to spend all this time with him and I can see this future before us and i like it. But I get scared. Like is this it? Am I “settling”?  People say never settle but then you might miss out on something truly awesome just because you keep looking for the better scenario. More money, more abs, more flair, etc. Whatever it is people always tell me they’re looking for it’s pretty damn hard to find someone who fits all the criteria. It’s like that scene from Pride and Prejudice when Elizabeth Bennet asks who Darcy’s ideal woman is and Caroline Bingley tells it all, then Lizzie’s all well how the fuck did you expect to find a woman like that I’ve never met someone like that in my own life! Or something like that you know, I paraphrase.

There are totally those contrary voices that come in and say well you’re just being safe or you’re making shit up so that it won’t work out because you like drama. But what the fuck is wrong with safe? I don’t want to be with someone mental and unpredictable someone who could hurt me just because s/he can excite me. This guy still excites me but not in startling ways, it’s like he surprises me with his kindness and selflessness. The way he can listen and be true to himself but it doesn’t come at a cost. He surprises me because he wants to make plans and they actually come to fruition. He said let’s plan a weekend getaway. We had something booked within a week. This man speaks things and they come into existence. He is a man of action and shit, he is inspiring me to get my shit going too.

I want to be all these things but I am struggling because I also don’t want to forfeit my true self. But I also don’t want to just say this is the best version of me, I want to continually improve. I get so worried that I am the only one doubting it felt good to know I wasn’t the only one who had doubts. I just don’t want him to think I will leave him suddenly like I did before. I am looking at this from all angles because I want to make a life the real thing this time. Where I do things that I want to do and make those ideas into realities. speaking things into existence like he does.

Some parts of that will be domestic life but also I want to make sure we don’t get bored. That we still pursue our adventures and so far it feels like that is definitely on the to do list. We’re already planning a Europe trip for next summer. I don’t want things to be monotonous and routine but sometimes I like a bit of routine… fuck I am such a worrier. i stress myself out and give myself anxiety over the future and all he said was to enjoy the ride. I’ll do my damn best!

28th

So it’s my birthday. *waves victory flag*

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Taken a month ago… when I was 27 -____-

I made it this far. I feel better lately but I am still an emotional wreck. My therapist says it is about phases and reconstructing yourself. One day I feel like I have my shit together and other days I feel I am breaking down. Today, I felt relieved. I saw my NOLA travel companion/lover/whatever and I was able to hear about his travels. I really enjoy spending time with him yet I was a little sad knowing that the time had to end; when he had to depart and I would be alone again.

I usually like being alone. Today I wanted to spend all that time with him but he has his life and I do have shit to do. It’s one of thing that I find myself doing a lot, I let myself be of service very often and I dislike that. I really want to practice saying no. Which I did earlier, I was rather proud of myself.

I was invited by this guy I like to come to NY. We have been talking back and forth. I’ve liked him for very long fully knowing he is on the east coast… it’s definitely unrealistic but the feels are real. However, I kept bringing up the idea of us meeting up and he said he couldn’t meet me here but I could come there… Yeah, um no. I used to be up for that impulsive shite. I did it before and it was awesome, but not this time. I told him no and I explained that I tend to take chances on people and I need to learn to take chances on myself. I am tired of risking my feelings and my heart. I need to trust myself again and take a break from putting effort into whatever ridiculous fantasy in my head.

I barely have my life sorted, I can’t catch a flight to fucking NYC to maybe have a flirtatious fun time and then it end up in heartbreak. I just can’t afford that shit financially or emotionally. No matter how much I like a person. That’s what 28 years of life has taught me so far. And that I really like being taken out for meals on my birthday in contrast to planning a party… How wise I am. *throws confetti*

I want you, but I don’t need you

I am still going to Nashville, I am going with the guy and that is ok. I am trying to learn to relax. It’s really fucking hard. I haven’t been taking care of myself as I should. I’ve been overwhelmed by a possible job prospect and my current work. It turned out that actually talking it out with said involved person… it helped. Seriously, what the fuck. I am used to passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive, escalating and/or violent confrontation. Instead, I was met with him asking for space and then he requested to see me a day later.

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A Mixture

More eyerolls from me to life. Thanks life for giving me a million things to do, a few things that make me smile and mixing them with guilt and other random sad feelings.

As usual Pushing Daisies gifs/moment sum up how I feel. Even some quotes do, one of the episodes Ned the Piemaker (Lee Pace) feels two feelings at once and he asks “why is it always a mixture?” That is the story of my life. I have lots of hopes for my life, I want to make changes and I am doing some things I wouldn’t usually do–actually helping people out and wanting to listen to people I don’t usually talk to. I stay at work late, what? I covered someone’s after school club even though I was bored out of my mind?! One day I stayed out all day and this past weekend I stayed out until 6am. I haven’t done that since my birthday party. I stayed out talking about my feelings and I wasn’t sure if I should stay out longer talking to a person. But I did. It was great.

But then I remembered that every day I do things the way I usually did before my relationship… I am taking a further step away from my ex. It made me emotional as I sat there at the bar focusing on the lyrics of a song and I recalled that the more time I spend away from my ex, the more he spends away from me… the further we are from each other. The love is there yet soon it will not be of any consequence. It’ll just be that one cataclysmic event. This relationship I invested time, love, and effort into will be that one person I was in love with and then… I won’t be in love with him anymore. And that terrifies me. How those feelings can come and then you have to stop pursuing it, the feelings are there. Eventually they fade. It’s like we were planets in the same solar system and now I was pulled into a completely different place.

It makes me feel icky when I think about it. I left my friend’s apartment at around 5am because I couldn’t sleepover with those thoughts in my head. I had a long walk to the train and I thought about how my ex could be feeling just as distant. We used to be so close and perhaps it wasn’t healthy, but to us it was what was right. Now we’re not together and he could be seeing some beautiful girls coming into his work. He could be getting hit on or taking someone home. He could be crying himself to sleep and I don’t even know anymore. The next day, I went to a brunch and I had a fun chat on the phone with my coworker. I was pretty excited as I got in my cab and then I remembered those feelings again. The guilt really gets to me because I was asked out on a date last week but I declined not because I wasn’t interested. I am just emotionally unprepared and my heart is still broken.

I also find myself drawn to a certain person that inspires me and gives me such great advice. But what am I even thinking, I have so much on my mind and I’m such an emotional wreck. I got giggly talking about an exchange and again it hit me. This is how I felt when I first started dating my ex. It just deflated everything.

People say I am doing the right thing. I am being wise (how?!) and taking my time. I am being honest and I am trying to switch up some situations. Parts of my life are exciting and then when I do get that spark, I feel a bit bad because I overanalyze. I wish I could switch my brain off for a week.

Someone help me be more like Emerson Cod: