How Can You Be Sure?

I think that’s what bothers me about falling in love again. I was so sure the first time and it was so enveloping. It drowned me.

This time, I can be independent and I like being able to separate the us time and the time with friends or family. I want to share more with him. I want to spend all this time with him and I can see this future before us and i like it. But I get scared. Like is this it? Am I “settling”?  People say never settle but then you might miss out on something truly awesome just because you keep looking for the better scenario. More money, more abs, more flair, etc. Whatever it is people always tell me they’re looking for it’s pretty damn hard to find someone who fits all the criteria. It’s like that scene from Pride and Prejudice when Elizabeth Bennet asks who Darcy’s ideal woman is and Caroline Bingley tells it all, then Lizzie’s all well how the fuck did you expect to find a woman like that I’ve never met someone like that in my own life! Or something like that you know, I paraphrase.

There are totally those contrary voices that come in and say well you’re just being safe or you’re making shit up so that it won’t work out because you like drama. But what the fuck is wrong with safe? I don’t want to be with someone mental and unpredictable someone who could hurt me just because s/he can excite me. This guy still excites me but not in startling ways, it’s like he surprises me with his kindness and selflessness. The way he can listen and be true to himself but it doesn’t come at a cost. He surprises me because he wants to make plans and they actually come to fruition. He said let’s plan a weekend getaway. We had something booked within a week. This man speaks things and they come into existence. He is a man of action and shit, he is inspiring me to get my shit going too.

I want to be all these things but I am struggling because I also don’t want to forfeit my true self. But I also don’t want to just say this is the best version of me, I want to continually improve. I get so worried that I am the only one doubting it felt good to know I wasn’t the only one who had doubts. I just don’t want him to think I will leave him suddenly like I did before. I am looking at this from all angles because I want to make a life the real thing this time. Where I do things that I want to do and make those ideas into realities. speaking things into existence like he does.

Some parts of that will be domestic life but also I want to make sure we don’t get bored. That we still pursue our adventures and so far it feels like that is definitely on the to do list. We’re already planning a Europe trip for next summer. I don’t want things to be monotonous and routine but sometimes I like a bit of routine… fuck I am such a worrier. i stress myself out and give myself anxiety over the future and all he said was to enjoy the ride. I’ll do my damn best!


I did another thing.

So I bought tickets to New Orleans for my fall break.

I bought them purely on a whim. I have this app called Hitlist that tells me about deals on flights and I was talking to my friend who recently bought tickets. They asked to compared ticket prices and they were just the right price for me to say fuck it. I am going. I need this. I need something. I need an escape. I want to go somewhere new and experience something else.

Something different.

Now the dread comes in where I wonder if I am running away from my feelings or if I am being too rash. Am I making a huge mistake?

I do not know. Despite everything that’s happened, post break up–I know I have changed for the better. I learned a great deal. I can love. I have capacity for lots of love and adventure. I won’t know if this is a big disaster until I get there. There’s no right time and no I’m not over everything but who gives a shit? I am going to New Orleans and it could be awesome or terrible or both. As someone used to tell me: only one way to find out.

What is courage really?

I have been super stressed and exhausted lately. All I want to do is stay at home eating macaroons and hiding under my blanket.

I had high hopes for a new job in the school I currently work with. It was one of those “put all your eggs in one basket” type of deals. I never really understood that metaphor, a lot of American colloquialisms are odd to me. But now I can see how it works because if I just bought a ton of eggs and put them all into a basket then they were smashed against the wall… I would be upset and wish I saved some eggs in the fridge or put them in an omelette to eat.

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