Can’t Sleep

It seems life just gets busier and crazier. In a good way this time. It still gives me anxiety though! I am spending the night at my bestie’s house in Indiana and I can’t sleep at all. I keep thinking about my trip to Phoenix in a week and after that Ireland in spring then London in summer.

The original plan was to go to Ireland in the summer and then I would pop over to London for a wedding but after lots of discussion and arguing with my boyfriend, we finally settled on going to Ireland for Easter and he offered to cover my expenses for London. It was one week of wondering what is the right thing to do. Trip planning has never been so stressful, we would get somewhere and then we would both be stubborn. Luckily we found a resolution and I am relieved. As hard as that decision was it was a relief to argue about something real. In the past with exes it would be petty shit.

This was real trio we have been planning and we wanted us to have the most time in Ireland with his family as well as giving me a tour of the country. I could be living there one day after all!

In addition to stressing about travels, I finally submitted my application for school and within a week I found out I was accepted! It is fantastic and I am so happy but also nervous. This is a huge step for me and I am committed now. It is daunting.

Yesterday I was given news that I was offered a scholarship as well due to my high GPA in undergrad. I don’t know how much it is yet but I am going to work hard to get more scholarships and grants to finance my education. That was something I didn’t do enough of in undergrad because I didn’t research or go after it. I am definitely going to do some work study. It is kind of exhilarating to be like making amends in a way for my naive approach to financials at age 18. Now a decade later I am wise to go after every avenue to know that at least I tried!

So my mind is full of thoughts of school, my aspirations for this year, all the traveling I am doing before school starts and working extra hours to save up for that first term/semester. Perhaps not sleeping in my bed is keeping me up or a combination of that and feeling like my personal life is finally better than any dream could be.

I can’t ignore the national reality all the time but I just needed this. I have been so drained from the news, the incompotence of the current administration, the racism that is far more overt in the USA now. But my therapist said I am incredibly sensitive to emotions and it makes sense to feel the cuts deeply of our current president’s shitty choices and orders. She told me if I need to close off from it that is what I should do. And I have. I left my phone in my bag when I went for lunch and read an old magazine. I found some free books to read on my phone. I think turning off social media and getting away from the news even in that small time is exactly what I needed. And I am going to keep doing that.

If they don’t let me back into the United States after my trip to Ireland I know myself and I would make shit work. Haha.

Think About It

Tomorrow, I am flying to Nashville to visit friends, lay by the pool, listen to live music, drink, eat, and just chill. I am looking forward to it especially since I will go with my best friend. It’s a family reunion of sorts, this friend group is my family in the South. It brings up my trip from February, when I visited Nashville for the first time with my boyfriend of sorts. At the time, I didn’t see him that way. I was still sorting myself out and there was a lot of miscommunication. Our magic from the NOLA trip didn’t transfer to Nashville especially since I wanted to pop by to visit who I consider family. He didn’t see it that way, he saw this as solely a couple’s trip which it was… but there was so much unspoken between us.

Back then, I didn’t know how to talk to him or ask him for what I needed. Emotions ran high and he ended up offending me in a big way by being rude to my friends. I could not get past it and shortly thereafter, I left him. I don’t regret it. It’s one of those things that needed to happen. I needed to be alone. I needed to process my shit and I needed to remove myself from this situation. I was a bit rash believing I had to break up because he couldn’t keep his shit together in Nashville. But I had to re-examine a lot of things.

What I wanted, what was expected of me if I pursue relationships, what I’m looking for and all that shit I’d rather not face. I still don’t know what I want exactly, but at the time I wasn’t satisfied and I wanted to explore what other kinds of love existed. But that’s the deal, I knew I loved him but I thought I didn’t love him like how he should be loved. Now I see that I was in love but I didn’t want to be because I was still grieving my ex. I couldn’t help comparing the two either which is sucky but I totally did it. I thought well I was head over heels for my ex for 2 years, I went bonkers living and breathing in this other person. Wanting everything to do with him and being intoxicated by his presence.

With my NOLA/Nashville guy I wasn’t going insane or completely enveloped in him, I loved hearing his stories and how he rang me up to talk… But I wasn’t obsessive or nearly as possessive as I was with my ex. We were pretty tame and I thought, fuck does this mean that because our love is not intense in every aspect of our relationship that this isn’t going to work out? We’re not oozing romance constantly therefore I can’t really be that in love right? Right.

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Wrong.

Actually, post breakup I felt like I could say all the shit that I didn’t say before. The lines became blurred and I dated other people and so did he… but I kept thinking about him. Not my abusive and intensely passionate ex. I thought about the emotionally healthy guy that took me to different US cities, who checked on me, who was definitely fed up with my mixed signals but couldn’t help but ask what really was going on. We’re so different, we talked about it so much. Similarities here and there, but vastly different in other ways. Not to mention that sometimes I still bring up that ex that broke my heart which after months of courtship must drive him nuts.

So now we’re in this unclear space where we love each other but we haven’t decided what to do about it. Until now. He told me he is at a time in his life where he can’t be messing around. I should think about what I want when I am off in Nashville and he can think about it while he is Wisconsin then we can talk about what we thought about…

Well I am already panicking because part of me is like hell yes, I want this. Let’s try again! Another part of me is like well, flirting and crushing is fun too. Do I want to give that up again? I did try dating other people but that was a total drag for me, people my age are at a time in their life where they DO want to mess around and just explore themselves. Which I totally get, I am still exploring myself but I also don’t want to connect with people who are going to be temporary. I don’t have time for that shit, I’m too emotional for that business too. My time and care is precious, I can’t be giving it away like I used to. I learned that giving too much is damaging.

I can go for this but then I have to be serious and bring up topics that probably make me feel uncomfortable or I can say fuck this, waiting for a grass is greener scenario. Both are a gamble. I guess my real fear is that I will end up being half a boring couple who think about buying houses and marriage. I don’t want to be end up boring. I also don’t want to waste my time dating people who are going to end up being irrelevant months later.

But truthfully, I am kind of boring! I like doing adventurous stuff, but I like being at home in my bed taking pictures of my taco pillow or playing games on my phone. Welp, I have five days to think about it. Be boring by myself or with someone I love? Sounds like an easy decision but for me, it never is.

“The Voice of Our Generation”

Whenever a review claims that a writer/poet/etc. is the “voice of our generation”, it’s already setting up that body of work to fail. How can one person’s voice embody the perspective and clarity of thousands or millions of people? It’s unfair to that particular writer and it’s unfair to the reader. These high expectations are now in place and if that writer doesn’t make room for my particular view, I wonder why that label was placed. This is what happened when I finished reading The Opposite of Loneliness: Essays and Stories by Marina Keegan.

It must be said that it has been about six months since I read this particular book. I enjoyed one or two short stories, then her essay that the title comes from was also inspiring. Many reviews and comments talked about how this gifted writer was taken from the world too soon by a car accident. I understand the tragedy. I can’t imagine graduating college only to be pulled from this universe. There is so much I want to accomplish and it reminds me how fucking short life is. But please don’t label her privileged voice as the voice of my generation!

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