Scar Tissue

Wow can it really be?

I have made it this far. I’m still here. I’m alive. I’m in a healthy relationship. I am taking care of myself better. I have goals. I am going back to school. I still have so much I want to do. I’m not completely on my shit like I haven’t written fiction properly since NaNoWriMo last year and I think about how I used to write some stories nearly everyday or every other day because of a message board I was apart of. Honestly, it was good I wrote there but I felt it took me away from my real life too much.

Now I want to revisit that fantasy world, those stories left unwritten.

Today I was taking a shower and I shaved my legs (it’s summer soon…) once I dried off to put lotion on I look at an old scar. This scar has faded significantly. In its infancy it was this pulsing burn that accompanied the pained memories of that first violent act between my ex and I. I remember how it looked like it would never heal. I thought my legs are ruined with veins and hair and cellulite now this constant reminder of what he did. It felt it wouldn’t even turn into a scab. I asked my sister in law for help and she recommended using honey as an antibacterial. It would help dry it out. Which it did. Months later I had this white spot on my knee and I felt even more self-conscious of it. A year passed and I hadn’t left him yet.

Two years after, I was free yet heartbroken. On a whim, I flew to New Orleans and I wasn’t thinking about my scar as much as I wore shorts. I was happily distracted with my new paramour.

Three years now, I forgot about it.

The end of this month will mark four years since that fateful night and I look at my knee. It is barely noticeable. I thought it would mark me forever and now I feel like myself again. Still imperfect with veins, ingrown hairs, cellulite but different scars while thoughts of that night drift further away. I still think about him every now and then.

I see the coral I picked up from Hawaii, a trip I took when I loved him. I remember picking up these stones and coral, I was alone on that beach because we were already quarreling so much. I wondered if I should discard them but I remembered I picked those rocks for me, not to remember him. My curiosity got the better of me recently and I looked him up. Despite that, I am so relieved that he’s not apart of my life anymore. Like so fucking relieved.

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A Look Back

Soon it will be a year since the biggest, most mature, yet equally heartbreaking breakup of my life. It’s eerie as it is a huge fucking relief. To think of the letters burned or tossed, gifts or clothes that will soon be donated, and I even checked my texts… I found that old conversation dating back to about a month after the breakup. When we tried to talk and it failed. When he attempted to lay groundwork for winning me back and I rejected it. I read every single fucking text. I read and I cringed. I saw my sincere efforts at trying to stay calm and losing my shit on him when he would throw me moon sign jargon.

I thought about leaving it in my saved iMessages but I told myself no. I can’t keep rereading those messages every other month and visiting those feelings. Even now I am itching my chest like I am getting hives thinking about how lovesick I felt at the time. How I had to fight every instinct that told me to contact him or reminded me of how much I loved him. I thought it would take so much longer for those feelings to fade and it makes me kind of sad to think how I thought that love was everything I needed. I worked my ass off to get over him and now I am but it’s not like I’m magically cured of all ills. It still aches like my wrist does even though it was back in high school when I injured it.

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Definition Pending

It’s so easy to write off people especially when they make mistakes.

During my tumultuous relationship with my ex who was both physically and emotionally abusive, quite a number of my friends or even acquaintances were eager to label him as this: Batterer, abuser, bad guy etc. They said he’ll never change, he’ll always be in this person who would use his anger in the most frightful of ways. I knew that he had this strong reaction to certain events or words. It made me cower and retreat. I was always so careful with my words and actions should they lead to an all out match between us. But I would see him as more than this man who would fuck up and hurt me so. It sucked and it wasn’t right that I stuck it out so long. That I kept trying to fix myself because I thought that I was the reason he would explode. Sometimes I triggered him and other times I would escalate.

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I keep a close watch on this heart of mine

The best $35 I spent was on a Megabus to Nashville. I learned that I do fancy some country music especially when I hear it live, I also found out that I love songs by Johnny Cash and Hank Williams. I also discovered that the man I have been seeing and traveling with is not the one for me. There is no real reason for it. Everything was magical up until after the holidays and a shift occurred. I thought I knew what I wanted, I believed that these feelings were truer than anything else. But the truth is we didn’t know each other as well as we thought. He helped me get over my ex. I am much better yet something still lingers. I have this longing for my ex, perhaps I miss how I used to feel. Whatever it is, I know this. I don’t want to go back to my ex and I don’t want to be in a relationship with my current beau.

I can’t be a girlfriend right now.

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So when we came back from our trip, I knew I had to face this. I had to tell him. No more mixed messages, if I want to save this friendship I have to breakup with him. This was my first time initiating a breakup. It’s not fun by the way. I definitely cried. There are no ways to explain it other than, I have a lot to sort out on my own. I didn’t want to cheat him out of love or something like it. There was love there but it was brief. It burned out. Burnt toast, my sister in law called it, because no matter how much you butter it… you still don’t want it.

Our time in New Orleans will always be one of my favorite memories. It was one of those perfect, spontaneous moments. He helped me grieve for my relationship. But now I need to do things on my own. People called it a rebound. Whatever you want to call it. I can honestly say, my feelings were real and true. But things don’t stay the same always. Change happens and that’s what happened to me. I used to dislike country. Now I love it. I used to be in love with my New Orleans/Nashville travel companion, but I’m not in love anymore. I think the love I need to focus on is self-love. He can’t help me with that one.

No Takebacks

This is so atypical for me. The impulsive side won once again and this time I am totally in the wrong. My feelings are true but how I went about it was all wrong–I feel guilty and I may have ruined a friendship. 

I have been seeing this one guy since about October and we work together. Everything was going as well as could be expected until we caught feelings around Christmas time. I did not like the ambiguity of our relationship so we made it clear we are “in a relationship”. However, I could not call him my boyfriend–it felt too weird to call him that and he does not feel like my boyfriend. We went through the motions but somehow transitioning from friends to more we lost that special connection that developed in the first place.

I am not exactly sure what shifted but something did shift. I felt it when he returned from the holidays. We would do the usual who is sleeping at whose house and what we will have for dinner. We watched Netflix, we cuddled, we went to places together but something was missing. I needed more. This was not enough and it was bothering me.

I waited and wondered. Am I going mad? I sent so many mixed messages without meaning to. Perhaps this happened too fast, maybe it occurred because we work together. Maybe it was the fact that when there was a conflict (small ones), he avoided confrontation at all costs. He had good boundaries but I needed communication. I was not getting it. I tried to find a time to chat about it. 

I was not trying hard enough. Tickets were booked to Nashville I told myself to relax. After Nashville we will see. Maybe we need a recharge and just “us” time. But it was too late! Yesterday it all piled up and I needed that emotional connection. I realized how little I was given in terms of empathy. When I get mad if he decided the reason was “ridiculous” I would be considered unreasonable. He told me I was having a tantrum. I decided to finally say the truth that was weighing on me; maybe this relationship was not a good idea and after Nashville I want to go back to being friends.

I said this all via text… I know now in hindsight how rude that is. I asked to meet him up for a drink to discuss prior to my blow up but he refused due to funds. I thought if only we could chat I might end up being relieved of all these emotions. But I could not handle the stress. I wanted to go back to the way we were. Where we could actually chat about anything and everything openly. I felt we lost that. Now I get told I am this or that for my feelings! 

I wish I did it in person and thought out what I was going to say. I care so much but I need more than this. And I don’t think he is emotionally capable to do that with me. Might be a good idea to skip Nashville and go somewhere on my own. I can’t hold onto our past in New Orleans. It was one of those beautiful unplanned moments. But the magic is gone and I do not know if it can be recaptured. 

Cleanse

I returned from the holidays, so ready for my apartment and my bed. I couldn’t find a notepad and that’s when I discovered a Valentine’s Day letter from my ex. He made it for me almost two years ago. That’s when I decided, I’m ready… I need to get rid of these letters underneath my bed. All those love letters, apology letters, I’m-not-giving-up letters, I’m-not-violent-I-want-peace letters, it’s fucking time to get rid of this shit. I don’t want my future daughter or son to come snooping in my things to find some bullshit letters from an ex that I am not in love with anymore.

It’s over, it’s done. It needs to stop.

My ex’s letters weren’t bullshit in his mind, he meant every word but as I reread some of them–I can’t believe I fell for it. So hard. That’s what upsets me. That I put myself in that position by living with him and that there was no way for me to see then. There was no way out, it was a cycle that would keep going. There was no exit for us at the time. How foolish I was to think that I couldn’t escape!

I read these letters that are love but most of them are trying to rationalize his actions. They repeat the words “I love you” but love is more than words. It’s a behavior. I read our inside jokes and the romance, but it’s not what I needed. I needed far more than fucking letters saying that I was loved and cared for. I needed safety, consistency and a healthy relationship.

I’m pissed that I tried so hard and it didn’t work. I don’t love him anymore. Part of me may always care and wonder about him, I wish him a healthy relationship not just with himself, or family, but a significant other.

Not a single fiber in my being wants him back. I wish I could erase him but that wouldn’t do me any good. I learned a lot from him. There were good memories there but it wasn’t enough. The love was not enough.

Fickle heart?

Before I get chastised from the majority of the human population, yes I messaged my ex first last week. No, I didn’t stop messaging him when he returned my texts. It was a moment of weakness and I completely gave in. More than a moment, I suppose. I wanted him to know I care and I think of him in a positive light. I have been kind and patient. I face my emotions with courage and compassion. I know that I still love him, how can you stow away something that has been going on for at least two years? But my heartbreak has turned into fury.

I hate that I love him, I hate that his words still send me in a tizzy. He wasn’t being unkind but all these sentiments are too little, too late. He regrets the breakup, he sees now what he could have compromised on, he even mentioned how he wanted to meet me in New Orleans. He was going to come get me and surprise me. First of all, that is shocking and scary in a way. It would have been romantic if we hadn’t had such a rocky end. I can’t even put my finger on it–just didn’t feel right and I felt nauseated at the thought.

My friend that I flew to New Orleans with was just the right person for that trip. I can’t even imagine what kind of trip it would have been if my ex popped up.

I feel so incensed at the very idea. My ex’s messages about how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. I know he loves me, I know he loved me during our relationship too but it wasn’t enough. And again, it’s way too fucking late to tell me all this now after shattering my heart into a million pieces.

It has only been two months and I know I still love him, but I’m not in love. Well, not as in love as I was before. And it makes me wonder how that could happen in a relatively short amount time. I do love him, I do. But I love me more. Yes, Samantha Jones was onto something. I was putting my ex before all else because I was continually called selfish by him. Now I want to fall in love with myself all over again. I am liking other people and I feel like… even if nothing happens with these people; I could have a real shot at not only love again but at something healthy. But first… it’s all about me.

So I did a thing…

I did a thing where I bought a brand new MacBook Air 13” laptop with money I don’t have. I needed it and I was tired of coming home to a laptop that couldn’t play movies or even connect to the internet properly from my bedroom. So yes, I have been rather reckless with my spending and it didn’t end there. I am definitely the type, the very flawed type that spends while emotionally downtrodden. The laptop was my largest expense but I bought a few things for my room and the house. I am taking a deep breath this week to look at my expenses realistically so I don’t drown myself in a pool of debt.

It is frustrating because it seems that whenever everything goes to shit, it really does… Like literally everything. My boots are due for an update after being 5 years old, I don’t have a proper comforter for my bed, even some of my underwear is losing elasticity.

All these things need to be replaced and it sucks because not only am I going through the break up feels, all my shit is literally falling apart. So there’s been a lot of eye rolling, laughing with friends, self compassion mixed with self annoyance and all I can say is: I love my laptop and I miss my ex, but I don’t miss the money arguments.

He still owes me money but he was always on my ass about being a collector. He expects me to message him and ask for it back, then he can berate me with how I am am some selfish, uncharitable person. I feel like he can keep the money so I don’t have to hear him explain how saintly he is compared to me.

But I still love him and that is the shitty part of any breakup with someone you love. It’s so much easier if you don’t love them/realize you didn’t really care too much emotionally for them. I’ve had breakups where I got over them within a short period of time. This won’t be the case. I have to feel all the icky feelings and let time pass and actively want to be away from him.

In some ways I am glad I am not near him. I tried to care for him and do as much as I could, he felt he was taking care of me in that time. It was the opposite. I was there for him the whole time while everyone else went away. I didn’t want to fight anymore or win him over. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, I feel like he expected me to try to win him over. But I didn’t betray him.

Anyway, yes I did buy a laptop because this breakup sucks. And yes I will be talking about my breakup for a long time. I am still in love with him even if we don’t fit together now or ever. But I’m not the type to stand by and wait. He would always complain that I was impatient. Maybe it’s my flaw, but when I truly want something I go for it. I truly want to be the best me I can be.

A confession.

I talked with my new coworker/head teacher this week about blogging and how I am terrible at keeping it a routine. I am getting to know her better each day, she is so confident and knows what she likes. I used to be that way. Lately, I have been rather listless but striving for change. I was way more confident and took way more chances, now I am tend to stay in the background where it’s safe. I occasionally go out of my comfort zone but only occasionally.

So here is me going at it again to keep this up.

Also I was dumped today by my boyfriend. Before all the pity and I’m sorry this happened you, etc. This isn’t my first rodeo in the break up arena. This however is the first time someone I am in love with broke up with me cruelly and without mercy. Yes, there were petty arguments leading up to it and there has been months of stagnation… But today I was told that there was no empathy or patience left for me. That I am only confident around those I am comfortable with, on my own terms and that I’m not confident outright. I make too many demands. The list goes on.

Basically all my deficiencies in the relationships were put on blast and I didn’t fight it. No ma’am. I listened, I agreed, I said my piece and as soon as the “I have no empathy or patience for you” came out of that phone, I hung up. I cried, I sobbed. I couldn’t believe that someone I love could talk to me so hatefully and claim that my selfless acts paled in comparison to his true selflessness.

My language about my relationship on this blog has been rather vague and now I can clarify without shame or concern over hurting the man I love most. Last year, I antagonized my boyfriend physically after he used a door to crush my body accidentally. Incensed and a witness to physical abuse as a child, I lashed out by breaking his phone and in my boyfriend’s attempts to flee he grabbed liquid soap and threw the soapy substance into my eyes to blind me. He yelled, I yelled and yes it burned like a motherfucker. It didn’t end there. I really wish it did.

I hit him on his way out. I forget his words exactly, I tried to block them out but he told me something along the lines of “you want to fight?” With that he took me down to the floor, sat on me and slapped me repeatedly all over my face. He tore at my shirt and my chest was exposed. I screamed and tried to defend myself, it was fruitless. I screamed bloody murder until he placed his hands on my throat and choked me. My screams were silenced and I saw black until he stopped himself. Shocked as to what occurred, he leaned against the wall while I cried and asked “Why, why, why?” He picked me up off the floor and I tried to shove him away. He cleaned up my wounds as I cried and lamented that I became like my mother. A victim.

This night haunts me even when I think I’ve forgiven him. I know what I did was wrong. I broke his property, I slapped him, I pushed him. It wasn’t right. I didn’t make wise choices. But what he did in response wasn’t right either. He could have killed me.

I called the police. I demanded he go to anger management and counseling because promises were not enough. There have been close calls since then, where I phoned police. He broke a door, he’s thrown me into the street. It’s been a hard two years in this relationship. I have anxiety even before this relationship but opening up about my dislikes has become difficult.

He’s made lots of strides but we both tuned the world out. Him more so than me. He lost his drive. These past months have been peaceful. However, my disgruntled requests sometimes too late leave him feeling as if I demand too much. He reminded me of all he does or did. Going to jail once, paying for anger management and therapy, sending me letters, videos, flowers, when I refused to date him until I relented last summer. I found his ceaseless efforts to be that of someone who is willing to be accountable for what occurred. As I try to be as well.

For now, we go our separate ways but now I no longer have to keep this secret close to me. To protect him and to protect myself. It happened. We can’t be a couple anymore because the empathy was lost, but maybe he can forgive me over time all those demands… as I try to forgive him everyday for what happened that night.