A Look Back

Soon it will be a year since the biggest, most mature, yet equally heartbreaking breakup of my life. It’s eerie as it is a huge fucking relief. To think of the letters burned or tossed, gifts or clothes that will soon be donated, and I even checked my texts… I found that old conversation dating back to about a month after the breakup. When we tried to talk and it failed. When he attempted to lay groundwork for winning me back and I rejected it. I read every single fucking text. I read and I cringed. I saw my sincere efforts at trying to stay calm and losing my shit on him when he would throw me moon sign jargon.

I thought about leaving it in my saved iMessages but I told myself no. I can’t keep rereading those messages every other month and visiting those feelings. Even now I am itching my chest like I am getting hives thinking about how lovesick I felt at the time. How I had to fight every instinct that told me to contact him or reminded me of how much I loved him. I thought it would take so much longer for those feelings to fade and it makes me kind of sad to think how I thought that love was everything I needed. I worked my ass off to get over him and now I am but it’s not like I’m magically cured of all ills. It still aches like my wrist does even though it was back in high school when I injured it.

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No Takebacks

This is so atypical for me. The impulsive side won once again and this time I am totally in the wrong. My feelings are true but how I went about it was all wrong–I feel guilty and I may have ruined a friendship. 

I have been seeing this one guy since about October and we work together. Everything was going as well as could be expected until we caught feelings around Christmas time. I did not like the ambiguity of our relationship so we made it clear we are “in a relationship”. However, I could not call him my boyfriend–it felt too weird to call him that and he does not feel like my boyfriend. We went through the motions but somehow transitioning from friends to more we lost that special connection that developed in the first place.

I am not exactly sure what shifted but something did shift. I felt it when he returned from the holidays. We would do the usual who is sleeping at whose house and what we will have for dinner. We watched Netflix, we cuddled, we went to places together but something was missing. I needed more. This was not enough and it was bothering me.

I waited and wondered. Am I going mad? I sent so many mixed messages without meaning to. Perhaps this happened too fast, maybe it occurred because we work together. Maybe it was the fact that when there was a conflict (small ones), he avoided confrontation at all costs. He had good boundaries but I needed communication. I was not getting it. I tried to find a time to chat about it. 

I was not trying hard enough. Tickets were booked to Nashville I told myself to relax. After Nashville we will see. Maybe we need a recharge and just “us” time. But it was too late! Yesterday it all piled up and I needed that emotional connection. I realized how little I was given in terms of empathy. When I get mad if he decided the reason was “ridiculous” I would be considered unreasonable. He told me I was having a tantrum. I decided to finally say the truth that was weighing on me; maybe this relationship was not a good idea and after Nashville I want to go back to being friends.

I said this all via text… I know now in hindsight how rude that is. I asked to meet him up for a drink to discuss prior to my blow up but he refused due to funds. I thought if only we could chat I might end up being relieved of all these emotions. But I could not handle the stress. I wanted to go back to the way we were. Where we could actually chat about anything and everything openly. I felt we lost that. Now I get told I am this or that for my feelings! 

I wish I did it in person and thought out what I was going to say. I care so much but I need more than this. And I don’t think he is emotionally capable to do that with me. Might be a good idea to skip Nashville and go somewhere on my own. I can’t hold onto our past in New Orleans. It was one of those beautiful unplanned moments. But the magic is gone and I do not know if it can be recaptured.