Serotonin

Ok I finally did it. I took my therapist’s advice after a long time thinking about it… I am ready to feel like I am ok instead of the brink of falling apart all the time. I am taking an SSRI (selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor) and yes that’s a mouthful. I had to ask my primary care doctor to fill me in on what it means because I couldn’t bear the thought of looking it up. My doc as kind as he is doesn’t have the best way with words, his query “so what psychological issues are you having?” had me ready to burst into tears and dash for the door. Luckily, I blinked the tears away and remembered he isn’t my therapist, I don’t have to tell him details just the bare minimum.

I’m anxious, I feel I don’t cope well when things go awry… I have a tendency to fixate and I have panic attacks. I was teetering on the edge for a long time, but making it work. I found a little balance until I entered an abusive relationship. (Doctor interrupts.)

“Are you out of this relationship?”

Yes, yes I am… but I still feel the pain. I’m trying so hard and then with school coming up. I feel I’m a mess daily because of all the changes in my life.

Cue my doc explaining to me the serotonin release in the medicine and how we’ll start off with this generic version. Check in 4 weeks to see if it’s working out, if not we’ll keep tweaking. I got my prescription today and I was already in doubt… Reading every single  possible side effect. Ummm weight gain and libido decrease?! I could have thrown those pills away if they didn’t cost me $18. But there was the line that said most people don’t have side effects and this is a lower dosage. I was already thinking of back up plans, if I end up overeating on this drug I will overeat celery and fucking carrot sticks. If my sex drive drops, I will find every single way I can increase it… so here’s hoping that in 4 weeks it’ll be nothing but good news and higher serotonin levels.

Anxiety Levels Rising

I filed my FAFSA. I have a trip to Phoenix with no car where everyone says I need one… I am going by myself which is both exhilarating but terrifying because I haven’t done this in awhile. I keep myself awake with thoughts of failure. Wave after wave of tension and uncertainty. I just want to breathe. I let out some tears and got a hug from Stephen this morning. I spoke to my advisor for psych school this morning felt some relief. Then I was cut from working some extra hours next week at this school camp. Makes me even more eager to leave that silly place, makes me bonkers.

I want to be safe in Phoenix and have fun. I know myself, I will end up soaking up sun and being antisocial for most of it which is what I need. I’ll probably spend too much money on transport but oh well. I need some desert heat and peace. I can’t wait to see the terrain for now though stressing has me paralyzed!

Slipping

I have been barely coping. I have to be real about my anxiety and seriously I have been skating by for a long time. It is this pressure on my chest that I have lived with for years and breaking free from unhealthy habits and people has helped significantly. But I go through cycles of being ok and not being ok. This particular cycle has me barely hanging on and feeling myself slipping and sliding back to that dark place. That dark place where I can’t even get up or go outside. 

It scares the shit out of me. I am scared of so much and now add the possibility to slipping back into depression because of my anxiety triggers, I am this big ball of fear and shame. It sucks. Big time. My therapist recommended seeing a physician and/or psychiatrist. That is a huge deal for me.

I have been trying to coexist with these feelings sans medication for years. When I first entered therapy it was a possibility and now it feels that it is a certainty that it will happen. I have never tried to treat it that way before. I am not committed to it yet but god what would it feel like to take the edge off of it? My therapist assured me I would still be me… what if I could have that weight off my chest lifted? To breathe without restraint… that would be life changing. 

Staring At Infinity

I think this is it. This is the moment where I am officially scared shitless at the prospect of all this inevitable change. I don’t want to remain frozen in this space any longer but to look at everything I have to do is so daunting. I want a new job and then going back to school is fucking terrifying. I haven’t even visited a school yet but I am horrified at the prospect of spending more money to improve myself. I have to take one step at a time but I feel every step forward I’m just tripping and falling. Not exactly walking forward, just collapsing sideways and making it look like I moved closer to a goal.

I have been feeling so incredibly anxious and vulnerable. I feel anything can trigger me and I have this dark shadow of shame constantly following me around. This month has been exceptionally trying for me. I don’t know what it is, I just feel I am falling apart because I want to do shit right but I don’t know the right path necessarily.

All I used to want to do was write and I haven’t kept up with it. I could say it’s because inspiration is lacking but that’s no excuse really! If you are meant to do something you will do it no matter what, even if it sucks and you don’t know how to do it. I still want to write and I want to have a job where I create a safe space for others to tell their stories. I want to travel in my spare time, I want it to be that I have time to myself. These are what I need and it’s not going to happen immediately.

I just don’t know how to believe it. I don’t know how to speak it into reality. I look at people who can speak things into existence. Why can’t I?

A Little Prayer

Wanting to put my feelings out there that life is so unpredictable and anything could happen, be it something magical or tragic. I have had my share of both and lately I feel I have had quite a magical ride so far! This past weekend, I spent it with my family to share some empathy and touch base. It was most needed and as always I want more time! We made more plans to meet up in an apple orchard and for them to meet my new love, also to make tamales, and even get together in different states/countries. It filled my heart. Also this morning I got a call from my love that last night he got in a legal hiccup and he is so worried about losing his job or being sent back to his home overseas due to this mistake.

I can’t lie, at first I was in lecture mode and he was straight up in saying that this was the opposite of what he needed right now. He was scared and I have not heard him so scared before, he told me he even cried (he is not emotional like me) and was so anxious he vomited at the thought of his life in America ending because of some bad choices.

For some reason and those who know me best would be shocked, I kept my cool and I honestly believed with absolute certainty that the worst case scenario would not be the scenario. It is weird because I am such a worrier and I’m always going mental about something or the other, but in this case while he was losing his mind with concern–I sat there completely chill knowing it wouldn’t come to that, he wouldn’t be sent away.

And if he was… it wouldn’t change my feelings. Granted, I am annoyed that this even happened. I would be devastated not to spend time with him each week if he was told to go back to Ireland. But it wouldn’t stop me from feeling love for him and for believing that we would find a way to sort it all.

He asked me to pray for him which he has yet to ask of me at all. I said I would and this is me putting out good feels that hopefully more good feels would come our way, especially his way during his time of need. Here’s to a pleasant solution and learning a valuable lesson.

How Can You Be Sure?

I think that’s what bothers me about falling in love again. I was so sure the first time and it was so enveloping. It drowned me.

This time, I can be independent and I like being able to separate the us time and the time with friends or family. I want to share more with him. I want to spend all this time with him and I can see this future before us and i like it. But I get scared. Like is this it? Am I “settling”?  People say never settle but then you might miss out on something truly awesome just because you keep looking for the better scenario. More money, more abs, more flair, etc. Whatever it is people always tell me they’re looking for it’s pretty damn hard to find someone who fits all the criteria. It’s like that scene from Pride and Prejudice when Elizabeth Bennet asks who Darcy’s ideal woman is and Caroline Bingley tells it all, then Lizzie’s all well how the fuck did you expect to find a woman like that I’ve never met someone like that in my own life! Or something like that you know, I paraphrase.

There are totally those contrary voices that come in and say well you’re just being safe or you’re making shit up so that it won’t work out because you like drama. But what the fuck is wrong with safe? I don’t want to be with someone mental and unpredictable someone who could hurt me just because s/he can excite me. This guy still excites me but not in startling ways, it’s like he surprises me with his kindness and selflessness. The way he can listen and be true to himself but it doesn’t come at a cost. He surprises me because he wants to make plans and they actually come to fruition. He said let’s plan a weekend getaway. We had something booked within a week. This man speaks things and they come into existence. He is a man of action and shit, he is inspiring me to get my shit going too.

I want to be all these things but I am struggling because I also don’t want to forfeit my true self. But I also don’t want to just say this is the best version of me, I want to continually improve. I get so worried that I am the only one doubting it felt good to know I wasn’t the only one who had doubts. I just don’t want him to think I will leave him suddenly like I did before. I am looking at this from all angles because I want to make a life the real thing this time. Where I do things that I want to do and make those ideas into realities. speaking things into existence like he does.

Some parts of that will be domestic life but also I want to make sure we don’t get bored. That we still pursue our adventures and so far it feels like that is definitely on the to do list. We’re already planning a Europe trip for next summer. I don’t want things to be monotonous and routine but sometimes I like a bit of routine… fuck I am such a worrier. i stress myself out and give myself anxiety over the future and all he said was to enjoy the ride. I’ll do my damn best!

When It Hurts

Lately, I feel like next to nothing is going the way I like. There’s not much positive to look forward to except the looming end of the school year after this week. Love life I have halted completely because dating is not fun for me anymore. I want to put effort into relationships with friends and family who make the time for me and care for me in the way I need.

But inevitably, I fuck that up to by talking to my coworker, the one I went to NOLA with… the one that I dumped in February. Talking and hanging out, it isn’t wise when neither of us knows what to make of these feelings. I am trying to do this volunteer camp where they fucked up communicating to me that I needed to attend an orientation. Now I am given an option not as a camp counselor but running AV which I have never done audio/visual shite except take my own selfies.

The theme of this fucking year so far is that I tried and I have been failing. I don’t have room for some cheesy let’s make this happen bit. I am just so tired.  I come back from work exhausted. I am tired of people and things and places that cannot get their shit together and want me to be flexible and roll with it. I’m done being flexible, I am done being understanding and open. I am the vulnerable one and then I am left in the dust.

It hurts a lot that I try and try and it’s just epic failure. It’s kind of hard to imagine if I want to do big and great things that these small failures I can hardly handle. What about the big stuff? This shit is going to get repetitive and things are going to keep going tits up but how am I going to dig deep and keep going?

All I can manage to do right now is feel the failure and wade through it. My defenses are up and I am shutting certain things down. Dating. Shut down. Socializing during the week. Shut down. I would just like to take a break from a lot of things and soon I will have that much needed time away. Even so, things seem bleak and yes I’ve heard all the “keep going” and other junk before. I don’t want positivity now, I just need some empathy from people who get it.

Can someone tell me how to be ok?

I do not know how to be ok.

Here’s the weird part, my life is going pretty well. Nothing terrible is happening. My friends are nearby, I love them. I have my family close and everyone is doing as well as they can be… my niece and nephews are healthy bundles of love. I have a job, an apartment in a cool fucking neighborhood, it’s the holidays where I get two weeks off and the weather doesn’t suck. I am seeing someone I really like. My life is pretty unsucky right now.

But why don’t I feel ok?

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Family Secrets

Soon it will be 20 years since I last set foot in Guatemala. The last time I went, I was 9 years old and it was an anxious trip for me. I think that’s when my anxiety fully started. I didn’t know it then, what it was. These feelings bubbling inside me. I didn’t understand and my family sure didn’t. I was supposed to get my shit together because this was a major family reunion. My Spanish had to improve and I had to be polite. I was excited to see the Mayan ruins at Tikal but there were a lot of other things that happened–many photos captured were of me in tears and splotchy faced; forced to be in front of the camera.

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Growing a pair

I have the most horrid time with confrontation. I just sit and stew until I can’t take it anymore. For some situations, I stand my ground and let you know how I feel. Other times, if this is a new situation I will just observe and take not. I will analyze and overanalyze. I will do everything expect approach the situation calmly and stating my side with grace.

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