I am struggling. I love school, I’m so happy in my relationship and my friendships. I am working hard. Nothing is perfect but this is where I want to be. Yet somehow my trichotillomania has broken new records of least amount of eyelashes and eyebrows I’ve had in my entire life. Is it the stress of graduate school and these high expectations for myself? Is it the lack of control in a world that seems to be falling apart? Is it being too busy? Is it not earning enough money? Is it that this is the best I’ve ever felt and my compulsion decided to kick into overdrive?
So many causes but no clear solution. Many people think stopping is as simple as that. But it’s not, it’s like telling an alcoholic to stop drinking or an anorexic to eat a burger. It’s not realistic or practical. This is a disorder, there’s something within me that won’t let me escape in a healthy way. I go to my eyelashes or my eyebrows and soothe myself that way. I do it knowingly, other times completely involuntarily.
What doesn’t change is the guilt and the fact I will do it again and again. I feel this sense of shame and I was hiding it from my boyfriend. The secret burned too heavily, I’ve shared so much with him. I had to explain why as content as I am, I’m not exactly pleased with myself just yet.
I’ve been down this road so many times, this road to recovery and then back to relapse. I want to know what it’s like not to crave the pain of trich to replace whatever I’m carrying.