Before I get chastised from the majority of the human population, yes I messaged my ex first last week. No, I didn’t stop messaging him when he returned my texts. It was a moment of weakness and I completely gave in. More than a moment, I suppose. I wanted him to know I care and I think of him in a positive light. I have been kind and patient. I face my emotions with courage and compassion. I know that I still love him, how can you stow away something that has been going on for at least two years? But my heartbreak has turned into fury.
I hate that I love him, I hate that his words still send me in a tizzy. He wasn’t being unkind but all these sentiments are too little, too late. He regrets the breakup, he sees now what he could have compromised on, he even mentioned how he wanted to meet me in New Orleans. He was going to come get me and surprise me. First of all, that is shocking and scary in a way. It would have been romantic if we hadn’t had such a rocky end. I can’t even put my finger on it–just didn’t feel right and I felt nauseated at the thought.
My friend that I flew to New Orleans with was just the right person for that trip. I can’t even imagine what kind of trip it would have been if my ex popped up.
I feel so incensed at the very idea. My ex’s messages about how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. I know he loves me, I know he loved me during our relationship too but it wasn’t enough. And again, it’s way too fucking late to tell me all this now after shattering my heart into a million pieces.
It has only been two months and I know I still love him, but I’m not in love. Well, not as in love as I was before. And it makes me wonder how that could happen in a relatively short amount time. I do love him, I do. But I love me more. Yes, Samantha Jones was onto something. I was putting my ex before all else because I was continually called selfish by him. Now I want to fall in love with myself all over again. I am liking other people and I feel like… even if nothing happens with these people; I could have a real shot at not only love again but at something healthy. But first… it’s all about me.