Fickle heart?

Before I get chastised from the majority of the human population, yes I messaged my ex first last week. No, I didn’t stop messaging him when he returned my texts. It was a moment of weakness and I completely gave in. More than a moment, I suppose. I wanted him to know I care and I think of him in a positive light. I have been kind and patient. I face my emotions with courage and compassion. I know that I still love him, how can you stow away something that has been going on for at least two years? But my heartbreak has turned into fury.

I hate that I love him, I hate that his words still send me in a tizzy. He wasn’t being unkind but all these sentiments are too little, too late. He regrets the breakup, he sees now what he could have compromised on, he even mentioned how he wanted to meet me in New Orleans. He was going to come get me and surprise me. First of all, that is shocking and scary in a way. It would have been romantic if we hadn’t had such a rocky end. I can’t even put my finger on it–just didn’t feel right and I felt nauseated at the thought.

My friend that I flew to New Orleans with was just the right person for that trip. I can’t even imagine what kind of trip it would have been if my ex popped up.

I feel so incensed at the very idea. My ex’s messages about how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. I know he loves me, I know he loved me during our relationship too but it wasn’t enough. And again, it’s way too fucking late to tell me all this now after shattering my heart into a million pieces.

It has only been two months and I know I still love him, but I’m not in love. Well, not as in love as I was before. And it makes me wonder how that could happen in a relatively short amount time. I do love him, I do. But I love me more. Yes, Samantha Jones was onto something. I was putting my ex before all else because I was continually called selfish by him. Now I want to fall in love with myself all over again. I am liking other people and I feel like… even if nothing happens with these people; I could have a real shot at not only love again but at something healthy. But first… it’s all about me.

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Temperament

One of my biggest pet peeves is the “Latina fire” or the “your Latina side came out” bit. Not all Latinas have a temper… or do they? Or is that when people steamroll us, we have a problem? Could be that none of us like to be discriminated against or pushed aside.

Today, I had that feeling when after an Open House at my work; there was free wine and beer. It was expected that we would consume this within the walls of the school (but it’s late and we’re tired) so many people took off or some stuck around for one drink.

Two teachers asked if they could take wine bottles home, they took home three. I wanted to take wine home for my roommates. They always share drinks with me so I wanted to return the favor. I inquire and I get told that I can’t have any… why do two teachers get three bottles and I get none? Is it because I asked politely or is because I am only a teaching assistant? I have no idea, but it sends me in a tizzy. I loudly state that this is discrimination. I am informed I am not allowed because I have consumed a drink within the school, the other teachers didn’t have a drink– they didn’t “have time” so they received three bottles. I have a little tumbler of wine and therefore I am barred for taking a bottle or two home! How logical and fair; not it is not.

My eyes flash, I try to maintain my cool without exploding or yelling. But it’s clear, I’m perturbed and I am offered a few beer bottles in exchange but I decline. The damage is done, I exit with a fellow coworker who is also considered an assistant. She says not to take it personal, it happens often and it’s no use it letting it get to us. That’s exactly it though, it should get it to us because people who deem themselves above us do us wrong and often.

I texted out some frustrations, cooled off a little when I received the “it was interesting to see your fiery Latina side” text. Cue my eye roll. I am not always well composed but my fiery side shouldn’t be attributed to me being Latina. It should be fucking attributed to people being disrespectful and playing favorites. Some people have privileges that I am not afforded. And yes, that pisses me off. I happen to be Latina as well. It’s a coincidence not a cause and effect.