A Look Back

Soon it will be a year since the biggest, most mature, yet equally heartbreaking breakup of my life. It’s eerie as it is a huge fucking relief. To think of the letters burned or tossed, gifts or clothes that will soon be donated, and I even checked my texts… I found that old conversation dating back to about a month after the breakup. When we tried to talk and it failed. When he attempted to lay groundwork for winning me back and I rejected it. I read every single fucking text. I read and I cringed. I saw my sincere efforts at trying to stay calm and losing my shit on him when he would throw me moon sign jargon.

I thought about leaving it in my saved iMessages but I told myself no. I can’t keep rereading those messages every other month and visiting those feelings. Even now I am itching my chest like I am getting hives thinking about how lovesick I felt at the time. How I had to fight every instinct that told me to contact him or reminded me of how much I loved him. I thought it would take so much longer for those feelings to fade and it makes me kind of sad to think how I thought that love was everything I needed. I worked my ass off to get over him and now I am but it’s not like I’m magically cured of all ills. It still aches like my wrist does even though it was back in high school when I injured it.

My heart remembers how it broke into so many pieces and how I am still trying to figure out a safe, healthy love. I thought love had to be all these fireworks and sparks, that I should be breathing that person in and intoxicated by their very presence. So many of my friends think that too. They tell me, “when you know you know” and “you need to have that spark”. Well guess what guys, I did. I had the spark and I knew this was a big deal. I knew that I was in love but it wasn’t enough. It didn’t cut it for me. It wasn’t fantastic and unbeatable. Some parts were good but it wasn’t what I wanted. I was head over heels and it was fucked up.

Now I get worried that if I’m not instantly crazy for this person that means it’s not worth having… but perhaps these gals can look for that spark and the love that makes you go mad.

I had it already and I want to take a pass on that. Give me sexual chemistry and high doses of respect and empathy with some romance and spontaneity sprinkled in. Spontaneity along the lines of like joining me in the shower nothing too insane. I am over the feeling like I will combust type of love. I want a love that is warm and inviting that will sit with me on the couch and tell me a story to help me sleep.


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