So it’s my birthday. *waves victory flag*
I made it this far. I feel better lately but I am still an emotional wreck. My therapist says it is about phases and reconstructing yourself. One day I feel like I have my shit together and other days I feel I am breaking down. Today, I felt relieved. I saw my NOLA travel companion/lover/whatever and I was able to hear about his travels. I really enjoy spending time with him yet I was a little sad knowing that the time had to end; when he had to depart and I would be alone again.
I usually like being alone. Today I wanted to spend all that time with him but he has his life and I do have shit to do. It’s one of thing that I find myself doing a lot, I let myself be of service very often and I dislike that. I really want to practice saying no. Which I did earlier, I was rather proud of myself.
I was invited by this guy I like to come to NY. We have been talking back and forth. I’ve liked him for very long fully knowing he is on the east coast… it’s definitely unrealistic but the feels are real. However, I kept bringing up the idea of us meeting up and he said he couldn’t meet me here but I could come there… Yeah, um no. I used to be up for that impulsive shite. I did it before and it was awesome, but not this time. I told him no and I explained that I tend to take chances on people and I need to learn to take chances on myself. I am tired of risking my feelings and my heart. I need to trust myself again and take a break from putting effort into whatever ridiculous fantasy in my head.
I barely have my life sorted, I can’t catch a flight to fucking NYC to maybe have a flirtatious fun time and then it end up in heartbreak. I just can’t afford that shit financially or emotionally. No matter how much I like a person. That’s what 28 years of life has taught me so far. And that I really like being taken out for meals on my birthday in contrast to planning a party… How wise I am. *throws confetti*