When It Hurts

Lately, I feel like next to nothing is going the way I like. There’s not much positive to look forward to except the looming end of the school year after this week. Love life I have halted completely because dating is not fun for me anymore. I want to put effort into relationships with friends and family who make the time for me and care for me in the way I need.

But inevitably, I fuck that up to by talking to my coworker, the one I went to NOLA with… the one that I dumped in February. Talking and hanging out, it isn’t wise when neither of us knows what to make of these feelings. I am trying to do this volunteer camp where they fucked up communicating to me that I needed to attend an orientation. Now I am given an option not as a camp counselor but running AV which I have never done audio/visual shite except take my own selfies.

The theme of this fucking year so far is that I tried and I have been failing. I don’t have room for some cheesy let’s make this happen bit. I am just so tired.  I come back from work exhausted. I am tired of people and things and places that cannot get their shit together and want me to be flexible and roll with it. I’m done being flexible, I am done being understanding and open. I am the vulnerable one and then I am left in the dust.

It hurts a lot that I try and try and it’s just epic failure. It’s kind of hard to imagine if I want to do big and great things that these small failures I can hardly handle. What about the big stuff? This shit is going to get repetitive and things are going to keep going tits up but how am I going to dig deep and keep going?

All I can manage to do right now is feel the failure and wade through it. My defenses are up and I am shutting certain things down. Dating. Shut down. Socializing during the week. Shut down. I would just like to take a break from a lot of things and soon I will have that much needed time away. Even so, things seem bleak and yes I’ve heard all the “keep going” and other junk before. I don’t want positivity now, I just need some empathy from people who get it.

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