It’s been a long ass time.
I’ve been going through a lot. It’s been the theme of the past year I suppose… or more. Whatever. It’s happening. This thing, these changes and it’s been making me go mental. I have been that person who has lost their cool and lacking confidence because there’s this whole shift within me. I cannot even explain it clearly. It’s just going on. Ever since I left the guy I went to New Orleans and Nashville with. It’s this mixture of emotions that never ceases, I tend to feel more than one emotion at once and that sucks.
From confusing him post break-up to remembering that I used to be in love with someone else completely, I’ve been in a major mental and emotional block. Part of me didn’t want to admit that I still had SO MUCH left unpacked from my ex and a huge part of me didn’t want to give up one of the few positive distractions: traveling with a new love. But I couldn’t be a girlfriend, I knew something was up when I didn’t feel like I was someone’s girlfriend. Not again. It didn’t feel right and I couldn’t explain it. There were other issues like the fact we worked together, how he treated people I cared about, the lack of PDA… there were small things but I couldn’t face those little hiccups without dealing with myself. Did I want to enter into something serious? No. Did I want to sleep around? Not really. I wanted to go back to the in between and that wasn’t happening.
But I am addicted to distraction. That’s my new way of coping which helps sometimes, but it doesn’t work for a long term solution. If anything being with someone new reminded me of the strength and resilience I had to move on. But still, it’s really hard. I want to have romance and move on. Not exactly something that can happen simultaneously.
I still have to sit with myself and say “do you want to expedite the process and just end up in a mediocre relationship because you’re too lazy to deal with yourself?” And I tell myself no but somehow I would persuade myself to reach out to former lover/still coworker and get tangled up in a new mess. Repeatedly. He would get frustrated because he wants commitment and he knows I’m not giving out any guarantees. He wants to be able to date without any strings.
I have strings, like a lot. Strings to lots of different things. I am trying to see where each leads and I am in no mood to making any romantic gestures. I owe this man a lot for helping me and being there, I loved everything we did. I loved him even. But there’s something missing and finally, through some sick twist of fate and knowledge–I think this time I can let him go. Properly. He was/is my crutch and that’s not fair for anyone. I hope I can stay clean/clear of him in the emotional department. For now, I still have to see him at work… wish me luck.