I want you, but I don’t need you

I am still going to Nashville, I am going with the guy and that is ok. I am trying to learn to relax. It’s really fucking hard. I haven’t been taking care of myself as I should. I’ve been overwhelmed by a possible job prospect and my current work. It turned out that actually talking it out with said involved person… it helped. Seriously, what the fuck. I am used to passive-aggressive, emotionally abusive, escalating and/or violent confrontation. Instead, I was met with him asking for space and then he requested to see me a day later.

He laid with me in the bed and asked me what was going on. He asked me not to interrupt in a very gentle way when he explained what he understood from the text conversation. He held me close and reiterated how much I meant to him. I asked him to be more expressive with me about feelings because I am an emotional person. It was a very calm discussion, questions were answered, difficult feelings were brought up and we both decided to see where this goes.

Even if we end up as friends in the end.

I sorely needed that. I felt less troubled. I understood him better and though my feelings are not so precise all the time; I am relieved that I can communicate that with him.

Something else has been weighing on my mind lately in addition to everything that occurred last week. About three weeks ago, I started to miss my ex again. It felt like it came out of nowhere, but I don’t think it is random. My memory won’t let me recall what happened but something did. Perhaps a dream, perhaps a scent… but I recalled how my ex’s skin smelled and how his skin felt under my fingertips. I remembered the coarseness of his hair and how his beard felt on my cheek. It was such a physical response that I was winded.

I thought it years ago since I saw him but now it has not been a full year since I was in his presence. I am strong in some ways but weak willed in others. One of those weaknesses relates to social media, I check on my ex on Twitter even when he blocked me. On Facebook, he recently appeared because he unblocked me from there and that’s when I realized he unblocked me on all accounts. I could see his Twitter from my own handle again as well as his Instagram. I fell down that rabbit hole and I found him traveling. Those trips I begged him to take with me, he was on. It stung naturally. But what bothered me more was how I was THIS close to contacting him.

I missed our chats. I missed hugging him. I missed breathing him in. I missed hearing his laugh. I want him in a way. And it’s scary and weird. How can that be? I guess I’m still in love with him in a small way. Not in a “let’s try again” way but in those particular memories that managed to stay in my head. The ones that weren’t deleted. I want him but I don’t need him.

Which I need to maintain for myself in my current relationship. I was so codependent with my ex. I don’t want to be that way ever again. I want to want but not need. Not like that. Not ever again.

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