I do not know how to be ok.
Here’s the weird part, my life is going pretty well. Nothing terrible is happening. My friends are nearby, I love them. I have my family close and everyone is doing as well as they can be… my niece and nephews are healthy bundles of love. I have a job, an apartment in a cool fucking neighborhood, it’s the holidays where I get two weeks off and the weather doesn’t suck. I am seeing someone I really like. My life is pretty unsucky right now.
But why don’t I feel ok?
It started a week ago, I couldn’t sleep then I got back into my usual routine and then it happened again Friday night. The anxiety and the overthinking crept in. I’ve been good at giving myself time and checking in with myself, lately I have been rather lazy at taking care of me. But it’s so hard, because I am apart of that population that if I don’t take a break–I fall apart. Most of my friends, coworkers, even family are the types that just suck it up and keep going. They don’t go into a panic, they don’t make horrible decisions in the panic, and they don’t have terrible consequences because of the panic.
They manage to keep their shit together and I am the opposite of that. I can’t keep my shit together. I am not cool like that. Granted, I am in cool in other ways but emotionally I am so uncool.
I worry about what everything means, especially around the holidays. I already feel like I need a paper bag to breathe into thinking about all the shopping I need to get done and how I have to hang with a lot of people in a store or at a party. I committed to all these things thinking it would mean me being more social and doing things outside of my comfort zone.
But I’m done with outside of the comfort zone, I think I filled my out of the comfort zone things for the year. It’s always in hindsight too that things become clearer. Like why didn’t I take a break last night or go home early or not have so many drinks? I kept having a drink after drink which is kind of my MO during those anxious moments; this is how people take the edge off and if you keep going then you’ll just be a giggly, normal person like the rest of the people in the bar.
Except that didn’t happen. Why did I think that would happen?! That never happens unless that is my head space. But my head space yesterday was doubt central. I was doubting myself and my friends. There have been so many instances where I have to be an adult and I got overwhelmed. I became ridiculous. I was a completely unreasonable person and ended up being placed into a cab by a stranger and a friend. I sobbed all the way home because my issue wasn’t the evening or the people but my feelings and how I tried to mask it with parties and some alcohol. I know this doesn’t work, but why do I repeat the same shit over again?
It’s infuriating! I know I am not alone but in those small moments, it’s the loneliest feeling in the world.
I’m still not ok today. I went mental in front of people and I shouldn’t care what they think but still it hurts that I humiliated myself. I worry it’s what I do. I am telling myself that yes I will be called mental, I’ll be that messy, obnoxious girl over there. That can be my label. I can have whatever label they want to place on me. Just let me be ok. But there’s no manual for it. Which sucks.
One more thing, my friend totally forgave me in like a second saying I wasn’t myself and that drink does that to people. I easily forgive my friends but I feel what I did was so shitty, I deemed it unforgivable. Probably the first step to being ok is actually taking it easy on myself. Being our own worst critic is… well, the worst.