Not the marrying kind

Ok let’s get this straight, it has been approximately 92 days since my big break up with a man I was in love with for 2 years. It has been 54 days since I started a friends with benefits type situation where occasionally I cry or go through moods of disbelief that all the time, emotion, heartache must now turn to memory. Luckily this FWB guy doesn’t mind a bit of tears or confusion. It has been 43 days since I went on am impromptu trip with said guy to New Orleans where I thought I was making a huge, funny mistake. Instead, it turned into a wonderful trip where we got to know each other even better as friends and yes, other things happened.

It has been 7 days since I last saw him and we’ve been in contact since his departure for the Thanksgiving holiday. We talk about not only my previous relationship but his two previous long-term relationships. Both as dramatic and unhealthy as my own. We can talk about next to anything, which is both a relief and very necessary for me. I’m a holds-nothing-back kind of person. That’s always been me.

Now that we established our friendship likely goes beyond just the limits of friendship, it’s both exhilarating and frightening. I hate the unknown and I am acutely aware that I am not ready for a relationship. I need more time and I need… I don’t even know what else I need. I just need no expectations. I like the lack of expectations. Yet even a joke about our finances turns into how he wants to make sure he can provide for future wife and children. That’s where his head at. And he has occasionally talked about how I will find love again and that perhaps he is only a stepping stone to finding that love.

Part of it was comforting and then part of it is insulting. I am not trying to use him, I really am not. And in my head, voices from the past, some from real people (including my ex) and some from my own doubts tell me: “Of course this won’t last, but of course I’m using him just like I use other people. And of course when someone talks about marriage, the general consensus is that I will not be a wife.”

Maybe it is that I’m not the marrying kind. I was not the type of girl who bought bridal magazines to peruse dresses. Whenever I played with dolls as a child, most of mine were single mothers. I rarely had my dolls marry each other! I think the only typical girlhood dream I had was being a mother but now as adult even that dream seems to be tainted. I didn’t think of marriage much until my ex entered the picture. I thought, you know maybe I could do this. Maybe I could be that person. Maybe he’s the person I am destined to be with and I wouldn’t mind asking him to marry me.

On a trip to Hawaii in the early stages of our relationship, I asked my ex to marry me on the plane. Not because I planned it, just because it felt right. I felt like I want to be with you. I like this. I want this right now to last for the rest of my life.  This is what I was waiting for. Or so I thought.

Many trials and resets later, he’s not who I want. This is not what I wanted. It broke my heart to realize that we’d given it our best and my heart decided, I’m done. My ex shattered my love too many times and this last time was final. I couldn’t stay with someone who would continually let me down or throw me to the wolves.

So here I am. Not in a relationship, in this in between and when FWB says I look beautiful in this wedding photo shoot. I’ll make someone so happy. It’s so disingenuous to me. I’ve had a few people tell me I’m too brazen, too sexual, too much this, too little of that for someone to want to settle down with me. How could anyone see me as wife material? I don’t like the idea of spouses, I like the idea of companionship. My goal is to find someone who is going to team up with me, not someone who could fulfill spousal duties and look good in photos with me.

I don’t need to be a beautiful bride and I do not need to make someone else happy. But I’ll be honest, it does hurt that the voices from the past and in my head haunt me

“You’re not marriageable. No one would want to be with you for a long time, you’re too wild and you’re too selfish. Not a single person would marry someone like you.”

Even for someone who isn’t looking for a spouse, it still fucking hurts! There are those cool people who say “yeah I don’t wanna marry and people told me I’d make a terrible wife/husband. IDGAF.”

Nope. For me it stings. No matter what compliments are wrapped around it. The fact of the matter is FWB said I could make some guy happy. So I told him, let’s not talk about marriage because it makes me feel uncomfortable. I don’t know who this some guy is or if he exists. I needed to draw a line, there’s only so much vulnerability I can handle.

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