Fickle heart?

Before I get chastised from the majority of the human population, yes I messaged my ex first last week. No, I didn’t stop messaging him when he returned my texts. It was a moment of weakness and I completely gave in. More than a moment, I suppose. I wanted him to know I care and I think of him in a positive light. I have been kind and patient. I face my emotions with courage and compassion. I know that I still love him, how can you stow away something that has been going on for at least two years? But my heartbreak has turned into fury.

I hate that I love him, I hate that his words still send me in a tizzy. He wasn’t being unkind but all these sentiments are too little, too late. He regrets the breakup, he sees now what he could have compromised on, he even mentioned how he wanted to meet me in New Orleans. He was going to come get me and surprise me. First of all, that is shocking and scary in a way. It would have been romantic if we hadn’t had such a rocky end. I can’t even put my finger on it–just didn’t feel right and I felt nauseated at the thought.

My friend that I flew to New Orleans with was just the right person for that trip. I can’t even imagine what kind of trip it would have been if my ex popped up.

I feel so incensed at the very idea. My ex’s messages about how much he loves me and how much I mean to him. I know he loves me, I know he loved me during our relationship too but it wasn’t enough. And again, it’s way too fucking late to tell me all this now after shattering my heart into a million pieces.

It has only been two months and I know I still love him, but I’m not in love. Well, not as in love as I was before. And it makes me wonder how that could happen in a relatively short amount time. I do love him, I do. But I love me more. Yes, Samantha Jones was onto something. I was putting my ex before all else because I was continually called selfish by him. Now I want to fall in love with myself all over again. I am liking other people and I feel like… even if nothing happens with these people; I could have a real shot at not only love again but at something healthy. But first… it’s all about me.

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4 thoughts on “Fickle heart?

  1. Amber says:

    Hey, it’s natural to feel the way you do. I’m sure most of us have been there. Knowing we shouldn’t keep in contact but can’t help but to do so. A part of us still wants to hold on because we care. Even if you still love someone doesn’t mean you guys want to be back together and even if so… like you stated… it’s more than that. Love isn’t enough to make things work. Great post!

    Like

  2. UnluckyDrabBear says:

    I get the texting thing, you’re not a horrible person. I am going through the same thing. You want the contact because it’s like a security blanket. It’s a person who knows you better than anyone else. I had to delete my Ex’s number from my phone so I wouldn’t tempt myself. But it sounds like you are on the right track. I mean, you can’t go wrong watching reruns of Sex and the City, can you? Get to know yourself before you move on. It IS all about you! Good luck. 🙂

    Like

    • Jurassic Mess says:

      It totally is a security blanket! I deleted his number but I also recognize it when he does text… then I left the messages in my inbox. Likely not the best idea but that’s my comfort right now, rereading his texts post breakup–he messaged me recently this time I did not respond!

      Haha agreed! Thanks so much for your kind words. 😀

      Like

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