A Mixture

More eyerolls from me to life. Thanks life for giving me a million things to do, a few things that make me smile and mixing them with guilt and other random sad feelings.

As usual Pushing Daisies gifs/moment sum up how I feel. Even some quotes do, one of the episodes Ned the Piemaker (Lee Pace) feels two feelings at once and he asks “why is it always a mixture?” That is the story of my life. I have lots of hopes for my life, I want to make changes and I am doing some things I wouldn’t usually do–actually helping people out and wanting to listen to people I don’t usually talk to. I stay at work late, what? I covered someone’s after school club even though I was bored out of my mind?! One day I stayed out all day and this past weekend I stayed out until 6am. I haven’t done that since my birthday party. I stayed out talking about my feelings and I wasn’t sure if I should stay out longer talking to a person. But I did. It was great.

But then I remembered that every day I do things the way I usually did before my relationship… I am taking a further step away from my ex. It made me emotional as I sat there at the bar focusing on the lyrics of a song and I recalled that the more time I spend away from my ex, the more he spends away from me… the further we are from each other. The love is there yet soon it will not be of any consequence. It’ll just be that one cataclysmic event. This relationship I invested time, love, and effort into will be that one person I was in love with and then… I won’t be in love with him anymore. And that terrifies me. How those feelings can come and then you have to stop pursuing it, the feelings are there. Eventually they fade. It’s like we were planets in the same solar system and now I was pulled into a completely different place.

It makes me feel icky when I think about it. I left my friend’s apartment at around 5am because I couldn’t sleepover with those thoughts in my head. I had a long walk to the train and I thought about how my ex could be feeling just as distant. We used to be so close and perhaps it wasn’t healthy, but to us it was what was right. Now we’re not together and he could be seeing some beautiful girls coming into his work. He could be getting hit on or taking someone home. He could be crying himself to sleep and I don’t even know anymore. The next day, I went to a brunch and I had a fun chat on the phone with my coworker. I was pretty excited as I got in my cab and then I remembered those feelings again. The guilt really gets to me because I was asked out on a date last week but I declined not because I wasn’t interested. I am just emotionally unprepared and my heart is still broken.

I also find myself drawn to a certain person that inspires me and gives me such great advice. But what am I even thinking, I have so much on my mind and I’m such an emotional wreck. I got giggly talking about an exchange and again it hit me. This is how I felt when I first started dating my ex. It just deflated everything.

People say I am doing the right thing. I am being wise (how?!) and taking my time. I am being honest and I am trying to switch up some situations. Parts of my life are exciting and then when I do get that spark, I feel a bit bad because I overanalyze. I wish I could switch my brain off for a week.

Someone help me be more like Emerson Cod:


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