I did a thing where I bought a brand new MacBook Air 13” laptop with money I don’t have. I needed it and I was tired of coming home to a laptop that couldn’t play movies or even connect to the internet properly from my bedroom. So yes, I have been rather reckless with my spending and it didn’t end there. I am definitely the type, the very flawed type that spends while emotionally downtrodden. The laptop was my largest expense but I bought a few things for my room and the house. I am taking a deep breath this week to look at my expenses realistically so I don’t drown myself in a pool of debt.
It is frustrating because it seems that whenever everything goes to shit, it really does… Like literally everything. My boots are due for an update after being 5 years old, I don’t have a proper comforter for my bed, even some of my underwear is losing elasticity.
All these things need to be replaced and it sucks because not only am I going through the break up feels, all my shit is literally falling apart. So there’s been a lot of eye rolling, laughing with friends, self compassion mixed with self annoyance and all I can say is: I love my laptop and I miss my ex, but I don’t miss the money arguments.
He still owes me money but he was always on my ass about being a collector. He expects me to message him and ask for it back, then he can berate me with how I am am some selfish, uncharitable person. I feel like he can keep the money so I don’t have to hear him explain how saintly he is compared to me.
But I still love him and that is the shitty part of any breakup with someone you love. It’s so much easier if you don’t love them/realize you didn’t really care too much emotionally for them. I’ve had breakups where I got over them within a short period of time. This won’t be the case. I have to feel all the icky feelings and let time pass and actively want to be away from him.
In some ways I am glad I am not near him. I tried to care for him and do as much as I could, he felt he was taking care of me in that time. It was the opposite. I was there for him the whole time while everyone else went away. I didn’t want to fight anymore or win him over. I know I didn’t do anything wrong, I feel like he expected me to try to win him over. But I didn’t betray him.
Anyway, yes I did buy a laptop because this breakup sucks. And yes I will be talking about my breakup for a long time. I am still in love with him even if we don’t fit together now or ever. But I’m not the type to stand by and wait. He would always complain that I was impatient. Maybe it’s my flaw, but when I truly want something I go for it. I truly want to be the best me I can be.