Oh eww.

Remember that time you were best friends with that person.

I was looking at my LinkedIn profile, mostly because I cannot seem to get my profile picture right. My hair is growing, I look different now from pixie cut me. My friend, Dom, called my picture too safe or something like that because I have a very held back expression. I am like damn, how can I get this shit right? Then I see this RAD picture of a dude in a tub with a bunch of pictures or magazines, and he has a beard! I MUST BE HIS CONNECTION. LinkedIn said I was his friend so I go to see “who I know” and all that jazz.

Except I do not know him. First, gutted. Then I see at the bottom a former friend of mine. EWWWWW. She is a legal assistant now (which sucks only because I have a lovely friend who is a paralegal and she doesn’t suck, but knowing they could potentially meet DOES suck since the past needs to stay there) and I’m a teaching assistant. That rivalry immediately bubbles back up. Also because the last time I saw her… well, I think we weren’t speaking but the time before that. She cursed me out for sleeping with her boyfriend and called me a whore, every name in the book and told anyone whoever knew me (only suburban people so that’s ok) that I’m a slut and deserve the worst in life.

Perhaps people will call me “the other woman” which I have been, if I am honest. That is a different and far more tragic story altogether. The story from my perspective in regards to why I’m a “slut” in some people’s eyes (and particularly this woman’s eyes… Let’s call her Closed-Minded-Lady) is that I was depressed from living in the suburbs. Once I left after six months of boozing my money away I found refuge with my friend in the city, he let me live rent free for a month no strings attached until I found a job. I’ll never forget that kindness nor how lonely and fun it was to live mostly on my own (he worked in Michigan three weeks out four). It was during this time, I found myself increasingly detaching myself from suburban life and friends. I thought about ending this friendship with CML. Firstly, since I could remember she always put her boyfriends first. Even if they were cheating on her, etc. Secondly, she was very passive aggressive. I thought to myself, this isn’t a friendship I enjoy more than a friendship I do out of convenience. She did have a gecko I liked to play with…

I didn’t really know how to end it though, I still don’t know how to properly end friendships. Eventually time passed and I found out a high school friend died. We weren’t all too close, but his death which many believed to be a suicide due to his behavior right before his death brought up a lot of shit for me. My roommate came back from Michigan, told me the news and immediately we decided to get properly wasted. A few of us were ready to go out when CML’s boyfriend who was about to go to Korea informed us that she broke up with him via handwritten note. Quite typical of her and their on again off again relationship was again on the off. This time indefinitely due to his departure in a few days to a foreign fucking country.

I egged this nearly ex-pat to join us in drunkenness and forgetting the misfortunes of our day. I went out with these boys and immediately began flirting with complete strangers. I knew what I wanted and I was a go-getter if any when I had my mind set to something. So I flirted and poured more alcohol from my hidden flask into my glass. Everything was going according to disorderly plan until I was whisked away in a cab separately with this almost ex-pat. I don’t recall much; I was about where I wanted to be except with the wrong person. At the bar, we were chatting about broken relationships and then I kissed him or he kissed me. Something happened and we were kissing. Then we end up in another cab, we go to my place and we kiss more, touching, oh ok that feels good and like we’re alive then sleep. Next thing, I wake up from my alarm. I had a workshop to attend and I see him in my bed. Wait. This isn’t right or the right person, I liked that really cute guy with a beard in the bar! I was so awkward and intoxicated. We tried to awkwardly hug before I left and he departed at the same time. We were semi-friends anyway.

I managed to survive the workshop and flee complaining of flu-like symptoms aka hangover. I didn’t know whether I should call CML’s ex or not. I mean, did we or didn’t we? This is important to me especially because while he is in Korea, I don’t want to carry his unborn child. I didn’t feel comfortable calling or texting him when I rarely had before. I had his number only to meet up the rest of the ‘gang’. I sent him a Facebook message, foolishly thinking people don’t snoop in other’s people inboxes. I tried to keep the message light and yes, secretive! But CML had his password to his Facebook and angrily exclaimed I always wanted him, that she hoped he didn’t use a condom with me, and that everyone calls me a whore. People who knew CML and I mostly sided with CML. Seeing as some of those hearts in the gang were ones I broke, I wasn’t too surprised. What hurt the most was a dear friend said she chose CML primarily on the basis that she knew CML longer than me. It hurt because that friend I didn’t want to lose and we bonded more than CML and I ever did, but that one showed her true colors.

My confidantes one of them known as (AwkwardGirl ^_^) were the most empathetic and gave me the strength I needed to get out of the “slut vortex”. Funny enough, CML followed ex-pat to Korea and yes, not a soul blamed him for that nightly rendezvous we shared. And no, we didn’t have sex.

So now when I see her photo or name pop up, I get a little disgusted and a bit competitive… Pretty sure, that lesson was a good one for me to learn. I realized never tarry on getting rid of people who aren’t going to help you out and true friendship is better than a fake-nice one. If you make mistakes and they’re ready to drive the knife deeper, don’t keep them.

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