What is courage really?

I have been super stressed and exhausted lately. All I want to do is stay at home eating macaroons and hiding under my blanket.

I had high hopes for a new job in the school I currently work with. It was one of those “put all your eggs in one basket” type of deals. I never really understood that metaphor, a lot of American colloquialisms are odd to me. But now I can see how it works because if I just bought a ton of eggs and put them all into a basket then they were smashed against the wall… I would be upset and wish I saved some eggs in the fridge or put them in an omelette to eat.

That is how my mind and body feels. Like everything is all smashed up. I tried to be brave by even applying at all. There is always that feeling of “why even bother to?” It sits inside of me constantly. I did it excitedly and wanting a new role so desperately. I suppose there are parts of the job here I do enjoy and I thought applying internally would be the best of both worlds. However, three weeks past and I receive no response whatsoever. Not even a “I received your CV!”

People recommended sending a follow up inquiry. It is protocol for any job application which is so loathsome to me because I feel so embarrassed. Why do I feel so weird about it? I suppose it is that exposure; the fact that your fate hinges on what someone else says. It gives me a lot of anxiety. Can I measure up to what they want?I finally scrounged up enough courage to do it. The headmistress ignored both emails. Actually 3 emails to be exact. My first inquiry for the postings, no response. My initial application to roles I felt suitable for, no response. And my follow up. Nothing.

She sends mass emails out and personalized ones to my coworkers. I took it quite personal, I take a lot of things personal. But this… How could I not? I thought about myself as a worker. I am not a terrible assistant but I do not go above and beyond either. I choose to be late and am absent from weekly meetings because most have nothing to do with me. If I do attend those meetings, I don’t understand why I need to be present. You told me it was mandatory to attend, yet I can’t even edit a lesson plan or come up with ideas. I don’t even get to meet with my head teacher because she is so busy and she has her own stresses to deal with.

So I thought of all the ways I fuck up at work. I looked at how lazy I appear. I analyzed and scrutinized and thought well perhaps this is why. But then I had this crazy idea that even if I am the most incompetent awful teaching assistant… I would be fired. Also, a good leader would not ignore someone who applied even if s/he did not fit the bill. They would acknowledge and turn them down to show them hey I see you! You need step up your game.

I wonder if the more courageous thing for me to do would be to confront the leader. To say hey I need a meeting or catch her in the corridor. The mere idea of it gives me nausea. For all the other situations I can imagine, I can be brave. I can go to someone but this. This has me just wanting to say “I quit” altogether.

I feel so jaded and incredibly done with this. We are focusing on careers for the students’ topics. A parent came in and she is a writer. It was so easy for her to say: “I always wanted to write and why would I want to do a job I hate. Just quit it and find a new one!” This is what we’re teaching the children and of course I want to jump on board. But I can’t be impulsive like I am with everything else.

The courageous thing for me is… I am not even sure. I want to quit. I even thought about “well, I’ve never been fired before maybe let’s try that?” But that fear of no safety net bothers me. People say stay till you find something new, they say quit. They said this and that.

I can find the courage but to pursue what action? And am I avoiding the icky parts because it’s not the right thing or merely because it makes me feel uncomfortable? Ugh. Mondays are rough.

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